Help us, Professor Kokonoe!
by jcarreau
Summary: Are you fed up with haughty vampires stealing the show from other non-canon bloggers? If so, come read Kokonoe's non-canon blog! Spun off from Ask Rachel Alucard. Re-rated T for lack of porn, but watch out for saucy language.
1. Chapter 1

What's up, my suckers? (I was gonna print bitches, but I prefers suckers. I find it more demeaning.) You wanna know where you're at? Okay, fine.

You've stumbled upon another non-canon fourth-wall-breaking character blog, this one belonging to me, Kokonoe. Just Kokonoe. I got popular enough to get my own blog. WHEEEEEE! Yeah. I'm gonna open up with a disclaimer of my own, (clears throat) unlike Little Miss Prissy Vampire's blog, this blog is rated M for a reason. "But, Professor!" you might be thinking, "The Blaz Blue games aren't rated M!" Ha! Aren't you the least bit amazed as to the amount of shit we've gotten away with for a T-rated series? I mean, my god, I thought game raters would be a little more anal about things like . . . well, you know. But yeah, this little blog spot is rated M because I said so. If that bothers you, then leave, or go back to Little Miss "I hate everyone not as privileged as me!" vampire chick. Oh, also, even though this is an M-rated blog, there's no porn of any kind here. If that's what you thought you'd find here, then look somewhere else, bub, cuz I ain't gonna cater to your guro BDSM femmeslash fantasy. Sicko.

I should establish myself away from Rachel so that I don't look like a ripoff. Rachel is only interested in answering questions she feels are worthy. Me? I wanna help out the readers. That's what I'm here for, to provide free civil service through a blog. There's a couple of things I can help you out with, for I have expertise in many different fields: building cyborgs, staying away from the eyes of the NOL, filtering out spam, removing pieces of omelette off of a skillet, which flavors of lollipop taste the best, among many other things. I'll cover one subject at a time. For today, we'll start with the most obvious: help you play Blaz Blue better. Yeah, I know that's grammatically incorrect, but it's my blog, so deal with it. This is not the inner sanctum of a perfectionist, self-obsessed loli after all. And now for some random tips to give out. These are not submissions, but things people have asked when it comes to wanting to get better at Blaz Blue. Let's do this.

Tip one. "Dood, whut thuh phukǃ? I cant git past Jin's ice cars! He's phuken overpowered!"

Really? You're struggling with his special move where he charges you? It's a pretty dicey move; he strikes you once, then hits you again to chain a combo, but seriously, he's not overpowered because of that. There is something you can do if he does this, it's called BLOCKING. Yeah, you know how you can nullify a lot of attacks by blocking? Well, Jin's so-called Ice cars can be blocked. Believe me, I've seen Tager block them, then counterattack immediately afterwards. It's not hard, so if he can do it, so can you. Oh wait! There's another way to deal with the Ice cars! Jump over him! Yeah, double jumping is not impossible for most of the fighters! (Note to self: find a way to make Tager double jump without compromising his stats.) Hell, Tao can _triple_ jump, and Rachel can practically fly with her Silpheed drive! It's not the end of the world if he decides to do that over and over.

Tip two: "Carl keeps pwning me! How thoughǃ? He's just a shota!"

Ah yes, Carl, a very tricky fighter, no doubt about it. I think I might know why he beats you; he has two "avatars" if you will, himself, and Nirvana/Ada. I don't know of any other fighter where one character had two avatars, so that's probably what's throwing you off. There is something you can do when fighting him, check both sides of the screen at all times. That's all, really. Also, while he loses no health, attacking Nirvana/Ada is a good idea, for if you disable it, you leave Carl wide open to attack. Kinda like how if you wanna shoot the general, you should shoot the horse first. Or doll person, in this case.

Tip three: "Okay, so I want to main as Noel, but her normals are totally weak compared to everyone else's, and her poking, zoning, and high/low mixing suck too. How can I master her 5A and 5B combos without getting too many whiffs?"

Okay, I have no idea what the _fuck_ any of that is supposed to mean. Just because I'm a woman of science doesn't mean I'm all-knowing. Yeah, I know, that must be really hard for some of you to believe, but it's kinda hard for me to help out when you're speaking in really, _really_ esoteric terminology. I think I now understand why fighting games have slipped out of the mainstream; anally obsessive gamers took over the genre's fanbase! (sighs) How tragic. Believe me, I'd be all for helping you "main" Noel or anyone else from the game, but you gotta phrase it in a way I can understand it, because if I can't understand what you're saying, then we've got a failure of communication, tu comprende? Let's hope so.

Tip four: "Click here to learn how to stay hard for 96 hours straight!"

(sigh) I _really_ need a new spam filter. And every other "tip" I came across is either spam, or someone overloaded with esoteric words like the third tip. Well, you could always look up a strategy guide, provided that isn't also filled to the brim with double-speech.

Oh yeah, I know I can receive feedback, but it's very unlikely that I'll respond back to anything you might send my way. Unlike Rachel, I don't need fanboys and fangirls constantly feeding my ego to keep me from killing myself, and as such, I'll update this blog just whenever. I don't need a kissass to prompt me to update this. On the plus side, Little Miss Blondie has already given me permission to use any submissions that she doesn't use on her non-canon series. So all of those questions that were too awkward for her, but more suitable for someone like me? Yeah, I can handle that. God knows I already did that once.

But speaking of questions, should I receive something I feel like answering? I will give you the Kokonoe Responds Omake! (YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!)

This first question actually originated on Rachel's channel, back when all I had was my "pilot" (Chapter 15 of her blog, go read it if you haven't. It's a hoot). Now onto the question itself:

"Dear Prof. Kokonoe.

First of all may I say you're as attractive as Lady Rachel in my opinion."

(pffft sound) Ha ha ha! What standards of attraction are _you_ operating underǃ? Unless you like "exotic" looking women, I fear your standards might be a little too low to think something like that. Although to our credit, we don't look as fake as my one-time partner Litchi. Big breasts? Big deal! Anyways, what were you saying?

"here's my question.

What missions do you normally give Tager and do they include menial tasks? If so please give me a complete list so I can laugh.

Signed,

The TriOblivion."

A complete list, you say? Alrighty. Well, as you've seen in the story mode, Tager does all the legwork for me that isn't already covered by Lambda. I obviously can't fight toe-to-toe with the likes of people like Ragna, but he can, hence why I trust sending him off to do stuff. In addition to that, I also have him solve complex equations whenever I'm too lazy to reach for my calculator; people with processors-for-brains are great for things like that. He's also great for moving things around the lab, and even re-arranging furniture. I tell you, movers just aren't appreciated in today's world, but at least I realize that, hence why I keep Tager around. One last thing that Tager does for me is his Kelsey Grammer impersonations. Granted, he can't mimic the voice of the late (in my time) actor, but have you listened to the way he speaks? Such eloquence! Oh great, now I'm starting to sound like the Rabbit. But yeah, Tager talks like Dr. Frasier Crane, minus the snobbery and reverence for Freud. (Penis envy my _ass!_) Now do you feel jealous for not knowing someone as handy as Tager?

Oh, and one last thing; I'm gonna print spoilers for the canon Blaz Blue series here. If you don't want to spoil yourself, then don't read beyond this first chapter, simple as that, because after this, anything goes.


	2. Chapter 2

Wow, already I've been getting feedback from readers. I guess riding on the coattails of the Rabbit was a good idea after all. I suppose it's only a matter of time now before fans start sending me marriage proposals and pictures of their "manhood", but I digress. I got a comment saying my advice wasn't helpful. Before I give any more advice, I will say the following; my advice is of a take-it-or-leave-it nature. You don't _need_ to do as I say to get ahead in life. Hell, if I print something wrong, you'd be better off ignoring me! Of course, what to do and what not to do is entirely your discretion. I'm just writing these because I'm bored as bat shit . . . and nearly as insane, too.

And now we move to today's advice: how to deal with boredom. Humans (and to a further extent: vampires, beastkin, and cyborgs) are some of the few animals that get bored. Why? Because our minds are complex. If our minds were basic, this wouldn't be a problem. Think about it, if you were like most other creatures in the animal kingdom, your thoughts would pretty much be the following:

"eat to prevent starvation - Take a dump to mark your territory - Sleep to recover energy - Drink to prevent dehydration - Hump member of opposite sex to perpetuate genepool - avoid getting eaten - Repeat last six steps ad infinitum until death."

Alas, our minds like to focus on a lot more things than the bare necessities of life, but if you don't give it focus, you will wind up bored. Don't take this subject lightly; boredom can kill. You think I'm kidding? Look it up! Frequently becoming bored can lead to depression, and an extreme bout of depression can make one suicidal. But fear not, for I have devised methods for combating boredom. Observe.

One: Daydreaming. Ever wondered how novels get made? Oftentimes, they are the products of extremely bored English majors. Of course, I know not everyone can daydream up a publishable novel for the (appropriately bored) masses to consume, but try it. But don't do the obvious, "Oh em gee! I'm trapped on an island full of attractive members of whatever sex(es) I'm attracted to!" Try going out of your comfort zone. Daydream about smacking an asstard you know with an aluminum baseball bat, or completely verbally lashing out at someone who deserves to be chewed out, or stealing valuable information from the NOL while flipping them off at the same time, or . . . _What__ǃ?_ I daydream those things all the time! Works great for me! And then after doing something cathartic in your head, _then_ follow it up with something randy. Your sense of ennui will melt away completely while doing this.

Two: Exercise. No, you don't have to do anything strenuous. I'm not asking you to swim across the English channel, though I imagine you wouldn't be bored doing that. (Probably because the entire time, you'd be thinking "It's fuckin' coooooold!") Instead, physical activity, if done long enough, can stimulate brain activity, and that can lead to daydreaming. For example, one day at the lab, I got bored. Normally, I wouldn't do this, but I was so bored, I just had to. I broke out the floor waxer and started waxing the floor of my lab. As I was doing that, the blood flowing in and out of my head got me thinking things like, "Ah, how shall I torture Terumi once I finally get his number? Shall I snap his neck? Or maybe disembowel him? Or perhaps subject him to customer service for all of eternity?" Of course, you don't have to think such things while working out, since the activity itself could also rid your boredom. That's what so great about this option; so many choices! So many ways to keep your mind occupied!

Three: Using the internet. Well, you are, aren't you? How else would you be reading this, unless if a fan printed it up for you? (I wonder if anyone has done that for my writings yet . . .) The world wide web can widely be considered the anti-boredom if used correctly. There are websites you can go to specifically designed to rid you of your boredom. Or be like me and Rachel and write a blog! Or write incendiary comments to people who trash-talked a cartoon you used to watch as a kid! Where would the modern world be without the internet? We'd be bored, that's what.

There are many ways to relieve boredom. My suggestions are but the tip of the iceberg; some ways you'll have to discover yourself. With_out_ a strategy guide. But thanks to some other likely bored people online, I can now perform, once again, the Kokonoe Responds Omake! (YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!)

This question also originated on Rachel's channel. It's from a guy she's written about more than once. He's got a hell of a* lot of questions to ask, so this will take a while.

"Dear Chaotic aligned nekomata:

So, I was wrong. I thought the other cat would be writting this blog, but hey, I wasn't so far from the mark."

And what made you think Rachel would entrust Tao to an entire entry on her "precious" blog? You really thought she would subject her readers to a host that would respond to everything with, "Meow? Is that something you eat? Well whatever it is, I'm sure Tao will think of something witty to say, meow! . . . Right after I sleep on it for a few hours." Anyways, as you were.

"I think Rachel told you about me, Raim Hanta, but a Meta Raim Hanta. Yes, try not to think to much on this one."

I'm not going to. Rachel warned me about the insanity of Blaz Blue fanatics, so I'm doing my best not to sound shocked.

"Since now the vampire is taking a break, I can speak more freely."

Hallelulah! No pompous princess to properly piss off! Yeah, I suck at alliteration; bite me.

"Besides, I feel like crap right now, so I need to blow some steam. *sigh* Ahem...here goes:

- In retrospective of Tager's design, why don't you just added an arm cannon like the one Megaman has? Seriously, Tager is slow as it is now, and the one ranged attack he has is the Spark Bolt...which he needs to charge every single goddamn time! An arm cannon would solve that problem, don't you think?"

Well, it's hard to explain in words to people unfamiliar with cybernetics could understand. Basically, giving him something akin to a laser cannon built into either of his arms would seriously compromise his stats, or his weight, or his energy usage. You see, he's like a mecha; if his parts are too heavy, he can't move. (And he's already pushing it on the weight limit.) If his parts and technology consume too much energy, then he can't function at optimal capacity. If his stats are undesirable, then he would become "bottom-tier" in combat, and you know I can't have that. Sometimes, I have to give up cool accessories like arm cannons to ensure Tager operates properly. Believe me, if I could, I would make Tager into an invincible one man army, replete with guns out the ass (not literally, god damn it; _figuratively_) and armor plating that would make an auto shop painter blush.

"- I noticed that you are like the Eirin Yagoroko of Kagutsuchi, if you know what I mean. Hell, you even abuse of Tager as Eirin abuses of Udongein! Something I really find amusing..."

Okay, I had to look up what those people were. According to the web, Eirin Yakogoro is a character from a game-cum-manga-cum-internet phenomenon called Touhou Project. (Stop laughing. "Touhou" is Japanese for "oriental.") Eirin does sound a lot like me: super smart, morally ambiguous, has an underling she abuses, (Although Tager is far less adorable than a bunny girl. Yeah, this "Udongein" is a rabbit girl. How obvious can you get?) but on the other hand, I look absolutely nothing like her. She's usually illustrated as tall, physically perfect, having impossibly long gray hair, and having HE-UGE tits for someone of her physique. Man, she's like Litchi, only Eirin doesn't look like she wasted a shit-ton of cash on plastic surgery. I think I now understand why this franchise was so big back in the day.

"- This one is really awkward. Do you listen to Queen? If you do, what do you think of it? No, really, I think Queen is awesome and nothing will top that (Hell, even Sol Badguy agrees!)"

Yeah, Sol loves Queen, no question about that. Interesting question actually. I don't listen to a lot of "oldies" music, but I know a little about Queen. I wouldn't list them as a favorite band of mine, but I would still say they're alright. Bohemian Rhapsody is one of the coolest 20th century songs I've ever heard. But as you may've guessed, I'm not a humonguous pop culture maven. You'd have to ask Makoto for a more straight answer concerning something like this.

"- If you had had the time, would you had installed a bomb in Ragna's new arm for . . . you know, for the lulz of it? Or perhaps you DID and you're waiting for something . . . "

Damn it! You're on to me! _Kidding,_ kidding. (Or am I?)

"- Considering your alignment and your knowlegde of magic (don't try to dodge this one), would you try to replicate the Devil Summoning Program? Terumi is really getting out of hand, maybe summoning some demons will balance that...or just destroy the world. Hey, it's your world, not mine! I'm just giving some advice!...or dooming you all."

I'm not so sure on this one; summoning demons is pretty hardcore shit. It's not something you should take lightly. More often than not, those who summon demons face a creature that bellows something like, "You fool! You have freed me from my imprisonment! Now I shall reward you by taking your life and destroying this place you call Earth!" That's not something I would recommend. If you're gonna summon a creature to do your bidding, you're much better off summoning you know won't turn against you, like, say, a dog. You magically conjure a dog, it'll say, "Yay! You have brought me, Man's Best Friend, into the world! I automatically love you, and will do anything you tell me to!" Isn't that a much better risk than summoning a demon, a race that, in mythology anyways, is notorious for killing people for shits and giggles? Just a thought.

"Goddammit, Louis really has influenced me. That bastard...and why does he look just like Hazama, except he's blonde instead of green haired."

Uh, who the hell is Louis? I don't know any blonde-haired dudes named Louis, but if he's anything like_ him_, I'd watch myself.

"Wait, green hair? Snake? Sanae? Oh god...Must. Stop. Linking. That idea! (Raim Hanta)"

What? _What__ǃ?_ Oh wait, good thing I kept this window on Touhou opened up. There's also a character named Sanae who, get this, is a green-haired girl with a snake motif. Buuuut, her personality doesn't seem to mesh with Terumi's, thank god. But just to make sure, I should fire up my "Dialog Predictor" program. It's this nifty freeware program that can predict what a person would say, be they real or fictional. Let's see if your comparison is a correct one, Mister Hanta. Okay program, list something Terumi would normally say.

"THIS WORLD IS NOTHING BUT LIES! LIES! I'LL SHOW YOU THE TRUTH, THE TRUTH CALLED DESPAIR!"

And now list some Sanae Kochiya would normally say.

"Humans are oppressed by the youkai! That is why I must hunt the youkai, so that humans will regain their status in this upside-down society you call Gensokyo!"

Sooooo . . . a green-haired nihilist and an ethnocentric green-haired demigoddess that both incorporate snakes are . . . hey wait, Sanae also has a frog motif . . . ugh! How disgusting! Okay, maybe you're just listing arbitrary similarities now that I think about it . . . hey wait, look what else this article says, "The majority of Touhou's characters are female . . . most of Touhou's fanbase consists of young adult males, or seinen." A girly game series . . . for menǃ? Oh gawd, the creepiness! It's overwhelming my sensations! (Now I know what Rachel must feel like every time she answers these.) Alright, I'm gonna go wax the floors again. And maybe also polish the warheads while I'm at it.

*I said I didn't care for grammar, but one thing I can't stand is people who spell "hell of a" as "helluva." What the fuck kind of spelling is thatǃ? That makes the phrase sound like "hell-loov-uh"! The next person I see spell it like that is getting castrated. By the Gigantic Tager. And with that said, I'm off.


	3. Chapter 3

That god damned vampire! I just found out that my "pilot" was censored by her! Maybe it's because she's not operating under the freedom of an M rating, (hey, her loss, not mine) or if she's just being uptight again, but she altered something I published at the last minute! When I was giving dating advice, she changed something fundamental! This is what I originally wrote:

"Have a date, enjoy yourselves, and keep doing this until you think it's time to tell her how much you want to get laid with her."

Don't deny it, readers; you _know_ that's why people go out on dates. Of course, I know how Rachel is on this subject, and I also know that printing the phrase, "Getting Laid" is something she would consider crass, but she doesn't have the right to do that! She changed it to "snuggle with" without my permission! Fudgesicles! . . . then again, there are some interesting things she censors out that I can print. Observe.

In her third chapter, she was talking about a game series people claim Blaz Blue ripped off called Melty Blood, and its portrayal of vampires, particularly the vampire named Arcueid . . . how do you pronounce that? Of course, in her research, she found out that quite a lot of fanboys (and even a few fangirls) wanted to drill this Arcueid even if she was a vampire that existed beyond the fourth wall. You know what I sense? Jealousy. Think about it; all her fans are like, "I heart lolis!" And all of this Arcueid's fans are like, "Arc is hawt i want to bone her in the ass along with (names of other Melty Blood characters I'm too lazy to look up). (By the way, that's what she censored out; guys admitting to wanting anal with her really badly. Anal with the busty vamp, not the childish-looking blog hostess.)" Also, compare their figures. Even I must stand in awe of what this other vampire chick looks like. Just imagine it; Rachel's in her elegant bedroom, writing in a fanciful journal with a feather quill pen.

"Dearest Diary,

It would seem that I am not the most desired vampire princess in the world. I suffer competition from the main female protagonist of a visual novel turned fighting game series. Her body, it is utterly sublime. Rarely have I seen a full-figured video game heroine not look like a freak of nature, but rather, as someone truly beautiful. How could I, with my prepubescent form, ever hope to compete with such an angelic Immortal such as her? How will I ever earn Ragna's burning desire with such a crippling handicap against my favor?"

Gawd, imagine if she really did have such a journal . . . Oh wait, I'm rambling. Something else Rachel censored was when she talked about English dubbings of Japanese video games, she mentioned that there are some people who stick with the Japanese audio, because they have this attitude:

"PHUK THUH ENGLISH LANGUAAAAAAAGE!"

Kind of ironic that they're speaking in English instead of their glorious Nihongo, but I'll bet these fanboys and fangirls are jealous of me, because I, like Rachel, can _also_ speak more than one language. Konnichiwa, bitches!

Oh, and unlike the Rabbit, I'm gonna print the T word. Twilight. Twilight The Female Reader's Wet Dream Concerning Vampires. (I guess they felt a video game vampire wasn't sexy enough for them.) I don't know much about it, but maybe Makoto does. Hey, Makoto.

"Yeah, what's up, Koko?"

What can you tell me about Twilight?

"Twilight, as in the novel/movie series?"

Yeah, that one, the one Rachel never refers to by name.

"Uh, I don't know much about it. I heard it was a trashy romance series from the early 21st century that was wildly popular, but also wildly despised. I've heard some elements about it were good, but other elements were cringe-inducing. It's not really my thing. I prefer vampires like the ones in Violent DeathSpank 4: Rize of Teh Undying."

Ooookay. Thanks for the advice, Makoto.

"No problem!"

So then, today's advice: avoid censoring whenever possible. Why? Well, I just provided examples why. Be more like me, and less like the loli in that aspect. But still don't use any epithets. Even I know better than to use such harmful words. (You wouldn't ba-_liiiiieve_ the things Beastkin will say about humans behind their backs.)

But now, it's time, yet again, for Kokonoe Responds Omake! (YAAAAAAAAY!)

This time, the response comes from my own channel this time! Awesome!

"Wow. Kokonoe is underappriciated on , even though she`s less stuck-up and much less annoying than Rachel. o.o"

I can't say everyone likes my approach; some don't like my blunt way of saying things, but your opinion is valid too, if only because reading that should drive the Rabbit mad with envy. Also, I know "FFdotnet" is the website that hosts our blogs in your time, but we still don't know what it stands for. Makoto thinks it's "Final Fantasy Dot Net", but I highly doubt it.

"Anyways:

My question would be as follows: If you can rebuild half-dead Murakumos from scratch and turn them into weapons of mass destruction, why don´t you just build more of those and keep Tager, who can´t even enter a building without tearing open the doorframe, at home?"

That is actually a very good question. Your comment about Tager tearing down doorframes by merely walking through them is all too true. (Seriously, you know how long it took to rebuild my current lab just to incorporate someone his sizeǃ? I'm _still_ paying off the debts!) Now, as for your ideas about the Murakumo units, you must remember that there is only a small number of Murakumo androids out there. I can't capture the ones I don't already have and form an army capable of bringing the NOL to its knees. (Oh, but such a thought makes me salivate . . . ) Also, in case you forgot, some of the Murakumo units have . . . issues. Remember Nu-13? Do you know what problems that would cause if I tried using her?

"Oh em gee! It's Ragna-kun! He is so kawaii! Like, I want to give him huggles, matie! Kokonoe-chan, permission to totally glomp my Rogs like there was no tomorrow?"

And that's just Nu. Imagine if I tried using Mu-12. You remember her, right?

"EEEEEEEE! Kokonoe, why is my butt exposedǃ? I can't carry out your mission in the nude! That would be soooooo embarrassing! (cries)"

And that's why I put up with Tager; because I know he won't start acting like a crazed Ragna otaku valley girl pirate moeblob with an inferiority complex. Now, as for the rest of your submission?

"Also unlimited Hazama is bullshit. How the hell am i supposed to get past his poisonous Aura and instant-distortion drives? Other than turning down the difficulty that is." (Darkest Vampire)

You already answered your own question, just turn down the difficulty level. For once, I gotta agree with Rachel. No one's gonna ridicule you if you beat the game on the easy mode. Unless of course, you upload a Let's Play of you beating the game on easy mode, in which case, your fault, not mine. As for Unlimited Hazama, I can't help you much since I don't speak Fighting Game Otaku. I'll just say don't get close to him unless if you intend to attack him. His field deactivates whenever he takes damage, so zoom in, hit him a little bit, then fall back. Long-range attacks are great, too. As for his Distortion Drives? Uhhh . . . you're on your own on that one. Just turn down the difficulty, that should be enough.

Well, that was certainly amusing to write up. (Watch now as a bunch of people try to ask Makoto something . . .)


	4. Chapter 4

Life is never easy. If you don't believe me, just ask Ragna. That is why sometimes, people need help. And that's what I'm here for. Today, I want to give you advice on how to recognize spam. You know I have a problem with spam in my inbox, but also, I know it when I see it. Of course, you should have a spam filter, but if not, here's a few things to watch out for. One, misspellings. If you get a message with spelling like this:

"W3 C4N M4K3 UR P1NG45 B1GG3R 4 L355 TH4N 6 W00L0NG5"

Then that's definitely spam, and should be erased on sight. However, some spammers are smarter than the average Kaka, and have developed ways to bypass your filter. Look at the name of the sender, then check to see if the sender's name is real. Nothing raises a red flag like a guy named Clayton McDerpiderp. Also check to make sure they aren't using names of famous people; would _you_ believe if Warren Beatty sent you an email saying he could get you tickets to some local event for a bargain price? Yeah, didn't think so, either. Also, keep in mind, even if you have a filter, they aren't foolproof. Sometimes, it'll pick up a legitimate email, and not something like a deposed royal saying he can share his immense wealth with you. Check the senders and titles of everything before reading it.

And with that out of the way, let's move on to the only section that people care about, The Kokonoe Responds Omake! (Let's forget the yay this time.)

"Dear Morally Ambiguous Catgirl of SCIENCE!

Yo, since you aren't that prissy loli tsundere vampire, I can relax on my language."

Indeed. I especially love how you mix Japanese words into your English text like it was nothing. No, I'm not being sarcastic.

"Writing for that demanding spoiled bratty princess was demanding. At least with you, I don't have to act like some stuck-up ass-kisser."

I know! Now I'm positive I'm not seen as a ripoff of Ask Rachel Alucard! People aren't afraid to speak their minds! And neither am I.

"Onto the next questions.

Do you have Freudian-related repressed emotions? Given that you tried/is trying/will try make a Rocket GIGANTIC TAGER, normally that would mean something."

Some of that is from gag scenes, you know, non-canonical scenes that make Rachel go insane? Yeah, I don't like them either. They distill our essence as fleshed-out characters and reduce us to our most basic personality traits. (Damn, that was unusually erudite of me . . . that Rabbit's not rubbing off on me, is she?) When writers use serious (or semi-serious) characters in a purely humorous scene, things like character growth and complexity usually get chucked out the window in favor of lulz. (Yeah, I know internet slang. Deal with it.)

And again, I must mention Freud, even though most of his theories were complete and utter bantha fodder. (Makoto made me print that last one, blame her, not me.) Yes, some people _are_ pathologically obsessed with anything and everything associated with the act of reproduction. In fact, that was even a punchline in a tv show from the 1990s; someone says something that can be considered a double entendre, and some teenaged jackass responds, "Uh huh huh huh huh! You said 'wood'!" But my point is, not everyone is obsessed with things tangentially related to sex, myself included. I mean, do you know how much my work would suffer if I did obsess over that form of intercourse? Regardless, what else did you say?

"That or I'm just person who's mentally imbalanced who needs to see a therapist."

Most definitely. No, I'm not saying that about you specifically, it's rather that everyone at one point can use some mental therapy. People aren't perfect, and neither is our mental condition. Speaking of which, I should remember to do that sometime.

"Why do you wear what you wear? Given the perverse mentally of most, if not all male of our time, they'd be lusting over you. Heck, even I do (which separates me from them, since 1. I admit I am a pervert, and 2. I spare girls my mind unless they won't be offended)"

Let's see . . . you misspelled "mentality", you remind me that males of your time, just like mine, are pervs, you admit to being a pervert (so what's in your porn stash?), and, in Madam Rachel's Infallible Words, "At least you have the common decency to keep such thoughts a private manner, thus sparing us all of your . . . your proclivities." I like you a lot more already! As for what you said, I wear what I wanna wear. I know that the sight of a woman's navel drives some men mad with lust, and as such, I can keep such pervs off guard. And if I don't, if my appearance only drives them to make a move on me? Well, why do you suppose I keep Tager and the Murakumo units on such a short leash? As well as Hakumen on occasion? Yeah, I love screwing with people in that way.

"And the lastly, a mundane question. What's your favorite lolipop flavor? Mine's strawberry by the way. - C.R.V. Reyes, wandering in life."

Strawberry's a good flavor, yeah, but I prefer cherry flavoring. Nothing beats the classics!

So that's my entry. But before I go, I'm gonna print a troll comment directed at a good friend of mine: DRACULA IS A HUMONGOUS FAGGOT! Go ahead and cry some more, little rabbit. (And despite saying that, Rachel is still much lower on my shitlist then some _other_ individuals I could name off. Funny how that works.)


	5. Chapter 5

Okay, I got not one, but two responses I wanna do. Unfortunately, I'm obliged to help you out with your pathetic excuses for lives before I do that. Fortunately, the contract never said my life advice had to be long and detailed.

In which case, today's life advice? Never touch anything that is on fire. You will live a lot longer by doing so.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, I can do my response omake! Awesome! I got two responses, a short one and a long one. Let's do the short one first.

"Dear Prof Kokonoe

Guess what I have. The Spectacles of Eros. Remember these?"

Yes, I do. I remember it quite painfully, considering that the Spectacles of Eros are not canon. And remember what I said I had in common with the Rabbit? Yeah.

"Any way ther is a point to me having these. Who would you put these on and why?

Signed

TriOblivion"

Oh?~ So what if I did have such a thing in real life? Oh ho ho ho . . . this is quite devious, quite devious indeed! Imagine if I had something that could do that . . . why I would first use it on Tager, since he is a test subject of mine.

"OH, TAGER! MAKE LOVE TO US! SHOW US THE SCIENCE BEHIND HOT PASSION!"

Of course, how I picture the Spectacles of Eros, it doesn't just make the opposite sex fall in love with you; it also makes you climax should you be in the presence of the one wearing them for too long. Eh heh heh heh, I tell you, if it weren't for content restrictions, I should be writing the joke endings! Now, I should say a certain Snake man should wear these, but he'd probably actually crave the attention of women . . . waaaaiiiit, I know the perfect subject! Bang! Yeah, he's not used to being adored by women! And considering he's a one-woman man, imagine how that might turn out!

"Now now ladies! I know you all can't get enough of my chiseled physique, but if you truly care for me, you will support my decision to court Miss Litchi, and only Miss Litchi!"

"Oh, I would _loooove_ to be all yours, Bang!"

"M-M-M-M-Miss Litchiǃ?"

Actually no, I change my mind. How about Jin?

"Take your filthy hands off me already, you wretched wench! Hey, stop touching me there, damn you! I will have you arrested for sexually harassing an officer of the NOL if you don't stop molesting my sword handle RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"

Oh man, this is too much fun! Hey wait, there's a post-script to the message.

"P. S. Makoto is hotter than you"

That is impossible. Makoto is a mammalian beastkin like myself. Mammals tend to have a constant internal temperature. As such, our internal body temperature is usually 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, or 37 degrees Celsius. Therefore, not only is your claim factually and scientifically incorrect, you have also made an idiot of yourself in front of me and my loyal readers by doing this.

I kid, I kid, of course. I know what you _really_ mean by saying that. I realize that Makoto is closer to the societal norm for sexual attractiveness than I am, so your opinion makes perfect sense. But keep in mind, I _do_ have my fans.

And now the longer response, from a previous responder no less!

"Professor,

Its always been confuseing to me as to how Beastkin are created, no, not like how babies are made, i mean how half-human half-animal crossbreeds can exist. Godlike cats and humans are apperantly possible (Not to mention any names), but how in the world would a squirriel and a human mate, for instance? I`m no biologist but i think a squirriels reproductive organs are smaller than a human fingernail. Maybe some seithr influenced?"

I can tell you right now that beastkin didn't come about because of bestiality. There's a reason why such . . . relations are so looked down upon. Why do you suppose it's called the human reproductive system? BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE IT ON HUMANS, NOT SQUIRRELS, GOD DAMN IT!

I'm getting sidetracked. I can't tell you the real reason why beastkin came about, because of that whole future spoiler clause, but I'm gonna give you my own theory. The seithr caused the non-human animals to evolve the bodies and intellects of humans. There, that wasn't so hard of an explanation, now was it? Now, is that a good thing, or a bad thing? Well, that's for you to decide. Just know that if feline beastkin had not come about, I wouldn't be here right note. Anyways, moving on.

"And on that note, Makoto has been drawn towards humans (And Tager, which i find.. interesting), but do you actually yearn for other beastkin or humanlikes, or do you prefer full humans as partners?

(I´ve been thinking long how to make this not sound like a cheap attempt of flirting, so.. give me some credit.)"

How is that flirting? You think if I say I like full-blooded humans, you're gonna think, "Oh man! She's available! And I'm her type! How's my hairǃ?" I don't quite follow what you're trying to say.

As for my tastes, that's personal. As in something no one needs to know. As for Makoto? Well, she's very open-minded. It's best just to keep it at that.

"Oh and by the way, its not Final Fanatsy dot net, but Ferocious Felines dot net. Its hosted by Kakaclan dot org. (DarkestVampire)"

Goddamn Kakas! Do you realize what this meansǃ? Not only have they deceived me, they've been deceiving Rachel also! Longer than me, even! I should've never underestimated their intelligence . . . I won't forgive you, old timer.

But then again, I should check all the servers again, just to be sure . . . oh wait, I can't do that from my time period! God damn weirdass rules for writing this blog! Well, in the meantime, I'm going to investigate the Kaka clan, and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.


	6. Chapter 6

Blogs are awesome. Think about it; any random jackass with a modem can post whatever he, she, or it feels like on the internet for people to read. You don't have to go through editors, censors, or any other middlemen, just write and post.

But that doesn't mean we can't craft good blogs, now can we? And that's what I want to help you with today; writing quality blogs. I could give you the usual tips like remember that spellchecking won't make you look incoherent, and technical stuff like that, but I'm gonna give you the most important thing; how to separate yourself from the rest of the flock.

Okay, yeah, being grammatically correct is good, but is your content going to bring in visitors? And don't blog about the same shit everyone else does. If your blog entry begins like the examples, then you've already lost.

Example 1: "Today at work some mom's kid started throwing a shitfit cuz they didn't have the exact Optimus Prime toy he wanted, so I told the kid to shut up, but then the mom completely flipped her shit on me acting like _I_ was being inconsiderate, that I wasn't the father, do you know how hard it is to be a single mom, and I was just like ma'am, you shouldn't be taking yer kid to a public place if he's gonna act like that, oh wait, of course your son is a psycho just look at you; they finally left. I'm awesome at customer service like that."

Bitching about work gets old really fast.

Example 2: "Today my home country signed some groundbreaking legislature. Unfortunately, this legislature will signify the death knell for my country and decent human beings everywhere."

Writing on the political fringe might entertain some people, but it won't entertain me.

Example 3: "OHMIGAWD OHMIGAWD OHMIGAWD OHMIGAWD OHMIGAWD DEAN HODKINS IS PLAYING IN MY HOMETOWN! OHMIGAWD OHMIGAWD OHMIGAWD OHMIGAWD OH MY GII-YAAAAA-AAAAAAAD!"

Obsessing over celebrities . . . no, just . . . _no._

Talk about something unique, something you know about, and are passionate about. Otherwise, you'll end up looking like a loser on the internet.

But now, a response!

"Dear Baddest Bitch of all BlazBlue

No, that was not an insult... Okay, I lied, it was more of a complinsult. Y'know, a compliment that also works like a insult."

I'm quite familiar with how these work. A lot of Blaz Blue characters are well-versed in the art of insulting, including complinsulting, believe me.

"Alright, onto my questions.

First: Y'know the "Help me, Professor Kokonoe", right? The one where you help the player was misfortunate enough as to end up with a bad ending with a character, and needs help to GET that true ending? When you consult the character in question, exactly how the hell do you get them into your dimension? Or... Lock them in, as you had done Trollzuma- I mean, Terume-, Damnit, I mean Hazuma! Damn you internet memes!"

(frustrated sigh) I don't know how many times I have to say this, but those segments were not canon, I. E. They did not happen. Just like this blog. Also, why bash memes? They become memes for a reason, you know.

"Second: If that Pompous Gothical Loli Girl is so low on your shitlist, why the hell do you pick on her? Wouldn't it only be natural to piss off the guys who are higher up on, as I humorously call call your Shitlist, The Hate Tier? To those on the God Tier of her list, I can only say that it sucks to be you!"

Heh heh heh heh, God Tier on the Shitlist, I like the sound of that! Okay, yeah, it's pretty obvious that Trollzama is the God Tier of my Shitlist, but, you see, even though he deserves all the hatred in the world, sometimes, hating on him gets tiresome after a while. After that, you start hating on people lower on the Shitlist, just because it'll give you something different to do. Oh, speaking of which, believe it or not, Litchi actually ranks lower on the Shitlist than Rachel. I mean, she _did_ follow my every command at one point; that's gotta account for something.

And I'm pretty sure I don't top Rachel's own Shitlist. I got a feeling that either Trollzama, the author of Twilight, the author of Vampire Knight, or that huge furry dog that just won't shut the fuck up tops her own Shitlist.

"Lastly: Now that Lambda/Nu has pretty much died in BlazBlue Continium Shift, who are you gonna get to do the dirty work when you need to use somebody how to or not to do something (Check out chapter 15 of Ask Racheal Alucard to see what I mean) (The Anti-Social One)"

What, you're reminding me to read a chapter of her blog that I wrote? Even though I've saved the manuscript on my hard drive? Oh, you're just reminding the other readers, I get it. Well, I already got Tager, Makoto, and Hakumen on occasion to help me out. And didn't I hint at the possibility that there may be other Murakumo units out there that I could salvage?

Oh wait, alluding to my previous guestwork on Rachel's network . . . are you asking if I have replacements? Of course I do! I could even turn this blog over to my other minions right now! Let me just set up the speech-to-text converter . . . Are we good, Tager?

"All systems functional. Kokonoe, if you don't mind my asking, what is the purpose behind this 'blog'? Wouldn't publishing something like that on the world wide web compromise the security of Sector Seven?"

Geeze, Tager, didn't anyone tell you that nothing I do there is canon? You should really just relax.

"He has a point, Grimalkin. There is nothing to be gained from this so-called 'blog'. All you have been printing thus far are fabrications designed to distract the masses from the drudgery of their lives. Can you not find something more productive to do, daughter of-"

-I'm gonna have to cut you off there, Hakumen. Now I just realized why I have Makoto sneak in a few lines here and there, cuz she's the only one here who isn't a party pooper. Watch what happens when I turn her loose.

"DOOOOOOOOOOOOD! Super Robot Wars: The Nth Generation is teh awesome! (looks lovestruck) Playing it is like dying and reincarnating in Heaven! (Sounding more 'normal') To all you true believers out there, play this game, and fight for everlasting peace! . . . And biscuits, also fight on behalf of biscuits."

_Who else but Makoto__ǃ__?_ (Oh god, why did I just say that in a goofy tone of voiceǃ? Is her unbridled enthusiasm taking over me nowǃ? Damn you, squirrel girl!)

"Oh, Careful, Koko! You might get us sued by saying that!"

Oh really? Uh, nevermind. Well then, that's all the time I have here, suckers. Later.


	7. Chapter 7

Hey guys! Don't look, but this isn't the usual hostess talking right now! In fact, this is none other than Makoto Nanaya, making a Super Secret Entry Without Koko Not Knowing, heh heh heh! I come, like a Super Special Agent to infiltrate and do . . . espionage things, yeah!

Hey look! An old letter! By the same responder from the last chapter, too! Hmm, this was written back when Koko guest-starred in Rachel's blog. Hmm.

"Muahahahahahahaha! I'm beginning to like ya, Prof! I say you should get the spin-off! Better yet, steal the spotlight! Screw the friggin' rabbit! Anyway, on to my message.

Dear Rachel Alucard (Or Kokonoe if she's on the spotlight this time),

Exactly what is your opinion on the Nintendo Gamecube Game "Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles"? If you have not heard of this game, then answer this instead:

What is your opinion on the ESA (Ever So Annoying) popular Final Fantasy Characters, Cloud Strife and Sephiroth, both of which from Final Fantasy 7. Since you have been having your fair share of running around on the internet, I figured you caught whiff of this sort of information.

From,

The Anti-Social One"

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles? There was a Final Fantasy game for the Gamecubeǃ? Whoa, color me surprised! Well, sorry, I got nothing to say on that subject; I didn't even know there was such a game. But I can comment on your second thing. First of all, why the Sephiroth bashing? He's awesome! That cool theme song, (well, theme songs, he's got two), that intimidating appearance, that huge samurai sword, that impossibly deep voice, what's not to loveǃ? I'm kinda bugged how Square tried to portray him as a hero who turned into a villain because of tragedy, since I don't like complex moralities in my stories, but you have to admit, Sephie's one of the more memorable villains in FF history! (Hey, I just noticed, my nickname for Sephiroth looks a lot like Selphie. That's funny!) But Cloud, though . . . I can understand your frustration with him. He's so bland! At first, he's like, "I just do the job." Then he's like, "Who am I?" Then he's like, "WHAT AM I FIGHTING FORǃ?" Then he's like, "Yeah, I lied about my past, now let's mosey!" Some heroic protagonist! For the record, I don't like Squall either, but at least he wasn't as bland as Super Saiyan Reject!

But I think I know why you call them the "Ever So Annoying" duo. Go anywhere on the internet, _anywhere_ on the internet, where people are talking about FF, and if they don't automatically dismiss FF7 because of how it made the franchise mainstream, they will not shut up about them! And it's not just there, it's in the Kingdom Hearts fandom, too! If they aren't obsessing over the original KH characters, then chances are, the fans of that series are also saying, "OH EM GEE! CLOUD AND SEPHIROTH! _CLOUD AND SEPHIROTH!_ UUUUU HU HU HU HU!"

But then again, I'm just saying that because I'm more of a Zidane fan myself, but to each their own. Words of wisdom. Oh yeah! Since I'm here, I'll let you in on a little secret! Koko's not above censorship! Why, last chapter, she cut off Hakumen! Know why? Because Haku (not to be confused with that boy from Naruto that looks like a girl) said the J word! And would you like to know the J word? Oh wait, you don't need to know. Anyone who's a hardcore enough fan of Blaz Blue should know _exactly_ what I'm referring to!

Oh snap! I can hear her coming! This is Makoto signing off! (P.S. For you Kanon fans out there, I can assure you that Makoto is _totally_ a cute name for a girl!)

* * *

Have you ever noticed how at anime conventions, the only people cosplaying as "hot" female characters are always middle-aged, fat, ugly, hairy guys? Well, I don't speak from experience, since I wouldn't be caught _dead_ at an anime convention, but I keep reading these horror stories that the cosplayers cosplaying attractive female characters are almost never the right age, size, gender, and so on. Okay, I'll say right now, I got no issue with crossplaying I think it's called, but you could at least put a little more effort into looking like the character you're supposed to be cosplaying.

I could give you advice on cosplaying, but I won't, since I don't care about that subject. What I will give advice is how to be a fan of Japanese pop culture without pissing off people. First off, don't act like anime or manga or whatever is The Best Thang In Thuh Werold. Even if you do think it is The Best Thang In Thuh Werold, be considerate of those around you. Example:

Right: "I can understand why you would think that the Godfather series is the best multi-film series ever, and I will admit, I loved the first two films too, but for me, my favorite multi-film series will always be Rebuild of Evangelion."

Wrong: "Fuck you! Fuck Hollywood! Americans have no creativity! LONG LIVE ANIME!"

Two, if you meet someone interested in anime/manga/whatever they call games in Japanese, but if they only like mainstream stuff, and you don't? Don't insult them.

Right: "Ah yes, Dragonball Z. I used to watch that when I was younger. However, I can't say it's aged well. When it comes to shonen, I prefer Soul Eater these days, but hey! Dragonball Z is still better than Inuyasha, am I right?

Wrong: "Fuck that popular shit! Why don't you watch some _real_ anime for once, you fucking posers!"

Last one for now; if you do come across someone who still assumes that all anime is hentai, well, just look at the examples.

Right: "I'm afraid you're mistaken. This isn't the late 1980s and early 1990s anymore. The majority of Japanese animation and graphic novels are not of a pornographic nature anymore. What little anime porn there is left is either online-only, or only airs on Japanese tv late at night. Believe me when I say that Ponyo is as squeaky-clean as family entertainment comes."

Wrong: "Oh what? Just because the Japanese don't have backward-ass attitudes towards sexuality must mean all their anime and stuff is porn? Fuck you, asshole/bitch/hater! Go back to your Care Bears, you fucking prude!"

Seriously, just these small little steps will make you look that much more respected at large. Hey, remember, you're reading a blog managed by a catgirl; it's the least I can do for your fanbase. Now then, a response to me!

"Nice blog post Kokonoe!"

He's referring to chapter 6. It's my most well-received chapter yet. Even I think it's not a flaming piece of monkey shit.

"First things first, I want to tell you that I have a crush on you (but it's unrequited, I know)."

Wait, so you're saying you have a crush on me, even though you know can't interact with me? Also, do you realize that by admitting this, you'll be considered a beastkin lover? Or wait, don't they call you "furfags" in your era? Granted, I got nothing against humans sympathizing with beastkin, Hell, I'm a cyborg and robot lover myself, but I'm just warning you, say that to the wrong person, and yeah. Also, I suppose I should be flattered that you'd have a fantasy crush on me, even though I was _told_ that the female characters gamers would be crushing on would be Noel, Litchi, and possibly Tsubaki, but love is funny in that way, in how it never works how people think it will work. Hey, if anything, like I said in an earlier post, I have my fans, and you are proof of that!

"Now for my question: could a shift from a planet's magnetic pole affect how the weather works?

That's all and keep up the good work." (TrailblazingArtist)

I suppose you're asking me and not Rachel since I'm the scientist? Good choice! A shift in the magnetic poles would definitely change things. For one thing, it'd completely fuck up how birds migrate. Now, biology is not my specialty, but I heard that the way migratory birds fly south for the winter and north for the summer is that their brains somehow can sense the magnetic poles. I don't know if this is true or not, it could be bullshit for all I know, but if it, in theory, can affect how birds move, I would imagine it would affect the weather as well. Winds patterns would move in ways no one has seen before, thus throwing everyone and everything for a loop . . . or at least, that's my hypothesis. Like I said, I could be completely wrong, but I'm pretty sure if the magnetic poles shifted, it'd change things.

And that wrap's up today's post-oh wait, one last thing; no, there is not going to be a Makoto spinoff. Get over yourselves.

"Oh no! I've been found! Abandon ship!"


	8. Chapter 8

You wanna know something none of us have tried yet? Well, you'll see what I mean in a moment. Right now, I gotta think of a way to help you all out . . . you know what? I'll just make it brief again. Always be sure to clean out your gutters before a rainstorm. Words to live by.

Now that that's out of the way, I want to do something I haven't done since the beginning; rejected responses! Actually, many of them aren't so much rejected, they just are more like comments that you can't really answer in length. Well, today, I will do nothing but entries that were not meaty enough for my previous chapters, but this time, I'm not doing it alone. Oh no, if I only did rejected entries for my own blog, this chapter will end pretty damn quickly. Here's the news, someone is going to be warping in in about three seconds.

(teleport noise)

"May I say that your hair is as revolting as your tongue."

Yes, one of my frenemies for life is here to assist me.

"Mind you, I only agreed to this because you are far too incompetent on your own, Kokonoe."

Yes, we will be going over rejected entries for not just my blog, but Rachel's blog too, guest starring the Rabbit. By the way, 2011 was a Year of the Rabbit, right?

"Yes, but let us not dwell on such trivialities."

Fair enough. Let's start with a recent one, this would probably be appropriate for a full response, but I'm including it here for a hilarious moment you'll soon see.

"Dear Kokonoe

Get better security for your blog so that we never have another Makoto episode. I may like her but that was ummmmm bad. Also I would like to apologize for Terumi possessing me even though I did get to where his awesome clothes. Any way my newest question for you is rather simple like all my other ones. How is it that you do not have high blood pressure being surrounded by people such as Makoto or Hakumen?

Signed, TriOblivion"

Yeah, uh, I only let Makoto use the blog for as long as I did just to see if she came up with anything interesting. Suffice to say, I was _not_ satisfied.

"Neither was I. It would appear her only concept of entertainment is name-dropping one popular culture reference after another, a gimmick I can do without."

Yes, and as such, I prepared. Before I even con_ceived_ of writing this current chapter, I printed up a bunch of yaoi Gundam fanfics and left them in one of the isolation chambers. She has yet to come out, even though I left the door wide open.

"Wait; you printed a number of fan-written stories that are entirely pointless and without meaning?"

Uhh . . . you just used the old meaning of yaoi. Makoto, uh, doesn't go by that meaning of yaoi.

"I am aware of what yaoi normally means; I was only demonstrating that I do have knowledge of the Japanese language."

In any case, as for your question, everyone in Sector Seven has their purpose, whether I like them or not. Some of them may be frenemies, yeah, but there are no outright foes of mine here, and also remember, my lollipops keep me calm under pressure. You'd think sugar-filled candies would only aggravate my stressors, but it actually soothes me somehow.

"So that explains why you always have a lollipop on hand, and here all this time, I thought you had an oral fixation."

Stop referencing Freud, God damn it!

"Only if you stop slandering me."

Fair enough. Here's another response from my channel.

"Okay, trying to come up with something that wouldn´t upset the Lotus-Witch...

Do you have any idea why Ragna is just as popular with the ladies without the Spectacles of Eros as he is with them on? I mean, Noel, Tao, Nu/Lambda, Rachel, Jin... the only one who seems to be resisting thus far is you, being far less yandere than Jin, and Makoto as since she never even met him. (Only in my fanfics. They´re cute together.)

Hazama is much more seductive in his behavior than him, who isn`t even trying to flirt, yet Ragna gets all the girl`s hearts.

Also, to make the whole thing round, do you think it would be possible to make Tager a more human-like man (or even woman, according to some sources), if you took all the experimental stuff that makes him fly and turns him into Golden Tager out of him? Maybe if you just stick to what's necessary he`d be faster.

Still following your blog, still ignoring Rachel´s. :3 (Darkest Vampire)"

You see, this is a fan of mine who knows quality; reads my blog religiously, while ignoring yours entirely.

"Why do you insist on pointing that out? I did not create my blog with the intent of competing with anyone. Then again, I lack the childish desire of outdoing others."

Regardless, for your question, the simplest answer is that the harder you try something, the less likely you are to succeed. Okay, this doesn't work for all things, but it definitely applies here. Remember, people, including women, get tired of people constantly hitting on them, trying to seduce them, et cetera, especially if they have no interest in them to begin with.

"In short, the less irritating you are, the more likely you are to win the hearts of strangers."

And as for Tager, I can't remove all of his mechanical parts, because then he wouldn't be able to survive. (He's like Tony Stark like that, minus the alcohol and womanizing.) If I removed some of his other components, he would be lighter, and I'd imagine he could run faster, but then his combat abilities would go down the shitter, which I can't risk. Oh, and uh, I don't think I can turn him into a woman, but funny you should cite Rule 63. Say Rachel, have you seen any Rule 63 of us?

"Never."

You're no fun at all. You have the power of an antiquated web browser, and yet, you only use it to amuse a bunch of fanboys and fangirls?

"There are some things I am better off not knowing. Remember, I have a hard time forgetting information."

Suit yourself. Oh, and you write, how do you fanficcers phrase it? Ragna/Makoto fics? How the hell does _that_ work? Wait, better not to debate the logic of fanfic writers. You should know all about that, Rabbit.

"I would prefer _not_ to be reminded."

And with that finished, as you can now see, we have already run out of material from my blog. Fear not, for we still have Rachel's backlog. Let's check it out now.

"Dear Lady Rachel,

Excuse any spelling errors made in this as I am writing to you using my PS3. Its my last set of comments may have either rubbed you the wrong way. I in no way tried to insult you or imply you or any other Blazblue characters are rip offs those before (even though the games are filled with references to popular anime and video games.) I do apologize for the misunderstanding.

I'd also like to say I was to Valkenhayn as your devoted in contrast to Rin Tohsaka's Archer while Ragna had a counterpart in Rin's friend Shiro Emiya. Thank you for your responses and look forward to other questions from yours truly. (Dragorian)"

"As you can see, this is an example of a comment, rather than an all new question. Your previous comment was not specific enough, and as such, I did not know you were referring to the character of Shirou Emiya."

Well can you blame him? He wrote that on a PS3! I don't think those things even have keyboards!

"What woeful pieces of technology they must be if that truly is the case. Regarding your question, at first glance, I would almost completely disagree with your comparing Ragna with Shirou. However, after careful analysis, I have determined that they actually do have some things in common. They both desire to do what they believe is right, and nothing can sway them once they put their minds to a task. However, because of our spoiler clause, I cannot say anymore on this subject, but I was correct in saying you can find elements of older characters in us."

And yet, you (the sender) get all apologetic? Why, was it because Rachel was speaking the truth when she said there was no Guilty Gear anime? Or maybe that was just another typo of yours? Yes, I do think you're being sincere, no I'm not being sarcastic. Now then, another response to Rachel, a shorter one preferably.

..."Whick one of the guys in Blazblue do you personally consider the most attractive, aside from Ragna? (Youmomagon)"

"Quit laughing to yourself, Kokonoe! This is a legitimate response!"

Ohhhh~, I think I struck a nerve there! The name Ragna comes up, and you suddenly get all defensi . . . why did you just shoot those rod-like things at me?

"I am not afraid of silencing you, Kokonoe. This was addressed to me, so I will answer it first. Now then, you should be aware that physical attractiveness is of little consequence in the grand scheme of things. Regardless, I can safely say that Bang Shishigami is most assuredly _not_ aesthetically pleasing. If I had to choose one, I would go with Jin. Yes, I find him more pleasing to the eye than even Ragna. Say what you will about him, at least he is able to make himself look presentable."

Do you hear that, kiddies? Ready your keyboards! You now have fuel for Rachel/Jin fanfi-

(bazzap)

AAAGGGHHHH! God _damn_, that hurt!

"Know your place."

Alright alright, fine, you're one of the fighters, I'm not. Let's move on before I end up with third degree electrical burns.

"Dear Rachel,

I have a problem, but since you only answer questions I will dress this problem in the clothes of a question.

How do you feel about people who talk during movies? I am one of those people, and I can't stop no matter what I try. The things I saw after don't make sense, but that doesn't deter me in the least. When watching a romantic film, filled with a crowd of harping teenage girls, I'll often wait till the most romantic part of the movie (when the two main characters are about to kiss usually) and then I yell out completely rude things like, "Balls!" Also I've been wont to make obscure Voltron references, like, "And I'll for the head!" The worst part is people can't stop me because I am very big and carry with me a long oak cane. Is there anything I can do to stop this? Drugs? Therapy? Or should I just go all the way with a bullet to the brain?

From,

Dirk Steadfast"

You're asking me? You already know what my answer's gonna be; off yourself, so not only would you no longer be a nuisance, society won't have to waste resources just to keep you alive anymore, either.

"How unoriginal of you, Kokonoe."

Come again?

"I offered the same exact suggestion to a reader whose friend was, shall we say, obsessed with me."

Oh yeah! Now I remember! You said the easiest solution was to kill the bastard, then he couldn't think of you anymore!

"In truth, that is really only something I would recommend in a worst-case scenario. And keep in mind, this question was originally directed to me, for it was before you even started this blogging nonsense. In that case, those in the audience who speak aloud during a performance are vermin of the lowest order. They are a nuisance for the rest of the audience, and in the case of a live performance, they are a nuisance for the stage players as well.

To your advantage, you do acknowledge that this is a problem you have, and you wish to stop this repulsive behavior. To do that entirely would require you to familiarize yourself with proper etiquette as much as myself. To do that would be long and arduous, however. Fortunately, there is also a shorter, easier path to stopping. When watching a movie in a theater, imagine nothing but the screen. Do not imagine the seats, the projector, and most importantly, do not imagine the other people, be they screaming children, people talking on their cellular devices, or similar hecklers. Focus only on the screen, the characters within, what they're saying and doing, the music within, essentially focus only on the mise-en-scene of the film and nothing else. You will not be driven to heckle a film if you do this."

Of course, I wouldn't recommend giving up heckling movies entirely. If you're watching something like Manos: The Hands of Fate, feel free to mock it while watching it. Movies like that practically encourage it.

"Unfortunately, this is all I wish to answer at the moment. All that remains is for us to conclude this, and then I will return to my home dimension."

Hey Rachel, I just flashed on something. Do you know what will happen after this is over? People are going to read our banter between each other as romantic subtext, and-

"-They wouldn't _dare_."

Why? Because the only pairing you support is Ragna/Rachel?

"TEMPEST DAHLIA!"

OOOWWWWWWW! DAMN, THAT HURTS! TAGER!

"What is it, Kokonoe?"

Rachel's being mean to me! Kick her ass!

"Affirmative! . . . . . . . . . Scanners show no sign of her in the immediate vicinity. Shall I pursue her?"

Nah. You're free of duties, for now. I think I'll stop by the medical wing later today. Who would've guessed that blogging would be so dangerous?


	9. Chapter 9

What's a new way I tell you to improve your lives today? How about this: always remember to update your drivers, because if there's one thing I hate in life, it's bad drivers, both on the road, and in my computer. Thankfully, bad drivers on the ol' PC can usually be fixed. Bad drivers on the road? Unless if you don't care about breaking laws, nothing short of putting 30mm autocannons on the front of your car is going to fix that.

But guess what? I have a new section! I don't know if it'll be permanent, but I have a new section, and it is called:

The Hall. Of. Shaaaaaaaaaaame!

The Hall Of Shame is where I forever enshrine stupid comments from people who have shamed themselves on my channel. This also applies to Rachel's channel.

Now then, there's a famous piece of internet advice that goes like so, "Don't Feed The Trolls." The logic is that is someone is posting something only to get a rise out of you, you should not respond to them, and they will eventually go away. This . . . sometimes works. This advice is certainly more effective online than it is in the real world, however, it is not fool proof. Even if you ignore somebody, it won't stop them from continually harassing you again and again. Sometimes, you gotta feed the trolls, but they never say _what_ to feed them with. Personally, I like to feed trolls shit, shit laced with venom, with a side order of brutal vitriol. You think I'm bluffing? Watch and learn.

Someone who is obviously a troll has been harassing my fellow associate/rival blogger/pain-in-the-ass Rachel Alucard. He (we're assuming it's a he) has posted three times, all obvious troll messages. She erased the other two, perhaps out of pity, and she was about to erase the third message before I caught wind of it. I tweeted to her, "Don't erase that. Let _me_ comment on him." After discussions, she agreed.

This troll lacks an account on our hosting space, which is always a good sign. On every instance, including the current one, he has not read past the first "chapter", as Rachel likes to call it. Then again, one does not even need to read the blog to post a comment. And you know what his posted name is? d. No period at the end, just the lowercase letter d. Not capital D, not D For Defense, not Deezy, just d. You gettin' an idea of what we're dealing with? And this is what he had to say to Rachel. Mind you, the only, _only_ things I added were quotation marks:

"this fucking sucks dick die"

All lowercase letters, no punctuation, uses an outdated (in my time) slang term for PINGAS! (God damn word censor! . . . Hold on a second . . .) uses an outdated slang term for penis, and has the balls to try to tell an immortal to die. (sighs) It's so sad, seeing one who is as obviously mentally deficient as yourself trying to insult someone who, personal issues notwithstanding, is a lot more respected than you ever will be. Our hosting site allows comments to be eight-thousand characters long, you could print up a wonderful troll message even within that limitation. Watch, I'm gonna do one right now:

"Ask you a question? No way. You don't fucking deserve a message from me, you pretentious emo git. The only thing you don't suck at is Ragna's PINGAS. Maybe if you stopped printing livejournals, you might actually win the respect of Blaz Blue fans for once, you goddamn shitty vampire."

See that? See how offensive that message was, compared to your worthless-piece-of-shit troll message? Mine actually elaborates, and actually has punctuation, capitalization, why, you could actually visualize me saying that to her! Because unlike you, I actually know how to write! Why, all this talk about proper trolling, it's getting me hot! I . . . I better . . . stop . . . before . . . I . . . orgasm . . . .yeah.

No one is going to care about your beef with her channel. The only reason I'm even printing this is because it's fun for me. What's your reason for this half-assed trolling? You're not getting anything out of it. No one's going to get laid with you, just because you decided to yourself, "im too lazy to get an account but i still gotta write something to hopefully make rachel cry lolololololololololol" The only thing you're succeeding at is making a dumb asshole of yourself for everyone on the internet to see.

Part of my arrangement with Miss Alucard was that she preserves your current comment, as a shrine for everyone and their posterity to bear witness to your stupidity until the end of time. Now everyone will know what an embarrassment you are, even amongst other trolls. Know why? Here's my, _other_, piece of advice for you proper readers out there; go on Rachel's channel and mock the ever-loving shit out of our precious d. Oh, and also, Rachel's newest blog entry will re-direct her readers here, so that everyone will know about this. Of course, if you (d) try to comment on my channel, or her channel, I can't guarantee that any new messages from you will be preserved like the current one. I think one troll message is enough proof of your failure as a human being. After this rant, I will no longer comment on the diseased waste of pus that is d. He is too low on my shitlist to warrant anymore slandering other than this: please die already. Save society the trouble of preserving you. Your remains will make a fine meal for some fortunate Kaka, after all.

And so congratulations, d! You are the first to be featured on the Hall. Of. Shaaaaaaame! And guess what? Next episode, I have another asstard to induct into this most prestigious hall of douchebaggery! Oh, how I wish I didn't make up these comments! Moving on . . .

You know what's funny? I've gotten used to answering readers' questions. I wasn't planning on making it a regular feature, but now I've gotten to the point that even if I have no good questions, I can always make questions up just to maintain the format. Hey, I don't have standards like you-know-who. But anyways, here's a real question from a real reader:

"HELP ME KOKONOE!

I seem to have trouble figuring out if your ears are really just a part of your hair?"

No they aren't.

"But that's a different Question..

Now the main question here is this, Is Sector 7 a reference to anything? 'Cause there are a lot of Sector 7s!"

No, there's nothing symbolic about my benefactors being named Sector 7. At least, as far as anyone knows, there's nothing symbolic about it.

"Also Why does Tager have a jet mode? Did you dissect a Decepticon? If so then that's grim... You kindda remind me of 'Tarantulas' with being Scientists and all..."

Decepticon? Uh, in case you didn't notice, this isn't a crossover with anything, least of all Transformers. Also, "Tarantulas"? Scientists? I should ask Makoto what you're referring to, but I fear the repercussions of doing so.

"now for the final Question!

Why do you make candy and still be a scientist? DO you not see that your candy will make you the richest cat in the world!

That's all (Sergeant Kup)"

I don't make my candy. I buy it from vendors, just like everybody else. And I know nothing about conducting a business, least of all being a candy manufacturer. Wait, doesn't that involve making a river of chocolate? And hiring an exotic race for labor? And terrifying children with near-death experiences? Actually, that sounds like something I would do in another life! Imagine, my own army of Kakas, singing morality songs and manufacturing more sweets than I'll ever need! If it weren't for my obligations in life, this is what I should totally be!

Alas, I have vengeance to carry out instead. But I'll see if I can break into the candy business on the side if I can. Until next time, I am Professor Kokonoe.


	10. Chapter 10

I do have advice to hand over to you worthless plebes, but it'll be incorporated into my new segment today, the segment I like to call . . . The Hall! Of! Shaaaaaaaame!

This one is a little lengthier than the first. It comes from someone named "Kendoro", who actually has an account. He posted this in response to part ten of Ask Rachel Alucard, as a reaction to her freakout over the fanservice in Continuum Shift. There's one big mistake; it's not addressed to Rachel. He didn't even ask her anything, but more on that later. I'll begin by posting the fail in its unedited glory before dissecting it piece by idiotic piece:

"The sad thing about the blatant fanservice in BlazBlue? I don't think it was even directed at the American/European market. No offense to those who are Japanese, but the cultural attitude of Japan in terms of putting art of naked/almost naked women in their (EVERYTHING) doesn't really help the whole 'Japan is the land of weirdos and freaks' perception that the rest of the world views them to be.

I mean, contrary to popular belief, (most) Americans don't sit there and drool and fap to the stuff game creators put in their games. I mean, the art's usually nice, even if the clothes some of these girls wear is downright retarded. But only in Japan will you find gamers obsessing over these anime/game girls, sexualizing them to the point of obscenity. But then again, it is appealing to that demographic, and they're usually the ones playing the games. So unless that were to change, good luck ever seeing Noel or Makoto wearing decent clothes that don't look like they're two steps away from just becoming naked."

And with that out of the way, I can begin the analysis. Now understand, I'm not too familiar with stereotypes among humans, so bear with me.

"No offense to those who are Japanese," I love how people use that phrase, "No offense, but Kakas are fucking retarded!" or "No offense, but humans smell like shit!" "No offense" is a code phrase for "I'm gonna say something (in the case of this troll) borderline-racist right now!" "With all due respect" works the same way.

"contrary to popular belief, (most) Americans don't sit there and drool and fap to the stuff game creators put in their games."

Now keep in mind, you're referring to nations that died before I was born, but based off a quick look on sexuality in your time and place, I'm pretty sure you're a bit off in this claim. The only real difference I could find in how America and Japan treat this subject is that the Japanese were more open about sexuality than the Americans. Now, this did have the unfortunate side effect of pervs in Japan being open about their deviancy, and Japanese marketers often took advantage, and in effect, this made Japan _seem_ more perverse than, say, your home country (if your profile isn't lying) of America.

Aside from that? Your claim is complete and utter bullshit. "But only in Japan will you find gamers obsessing over these anime/game girls, sexualizing them to the point of obscenity." I believe now I should print, "Citation Needed." Ever looked at the video game market from the late 1990s to the early 2000s? Tomb Raider, generic superheroine comics, and BMX XXX ring any bells? There were just as many sexual fanservice-y games from North America and Europe as there were from Asia, if not moreso. You can find this sexual objectification in other places too, and in other cultures; it's ingrained in your fleshy human minds to wanna gawk at anything vaguely resembling a human you wanna fuck. The Japanese people did not hold a monopoly on sexual fanservice in entertainment, despite your claims. Do some fucking research next time. (And that would be my advice to all of you today; DO. THE. RESEARCH.)

Or maybe you're just screwing with us. You don't _really_ mean to say this. You're just trying to get attention. Well if that's the case, you still fail at this internet communication thing, because like my last "guest", you have only succeeded in making yourself look like a dumbass, and also in providing me with someone to laugh at, not laugh with. And for that, you are now the second person to be inducted into my personal Hall Of Shame!

However, as of this moment, this is the only other comment I've observed worth preserving in The Hall Of Shame. If Rachel and I never receive another stupid message, this section just might wither and die . . . unless of course, I were tasked to go to other places on the internet, and enshrine other people's fail for all of you to see . . . but that's not what you're here for. You wanna see me answer questions from people who don't inspire counter-trolling (Even though that's not the original premise of this blog). Here's one for your enjoyment:

"Dear Professor Kokonoe,

First off, let me start by saying this; I fucking love BlazBlue. From its bizarre, utterly mind-fucking plot to its... rather eccentric... cast, all the way to its ridiculously over-the-top combos; BlazBlue just plain appeals to me. You happen to be one of my favorite characters, cyborgs, cat-ears, nukes and all!"

Sweet.

"Now, to my (first) question. As 'Her Majesty' (snrk) has already answered a similar question from another reader, I feel a little bit ashamed in asking this. Here it is; what do you think of the music of BlazBlue and its spiritual predecessor, Guilty Gear? If you like any of it, any favorites in particular?"

What's to be ashamed of? This and Guilty Gear have great music production values, assuming you like 1980s rock. Trying to pick out favorite tracks is quite difficult, but anyone interested will know that concerning Guilty Gear, I like the following tracks quite a bit: A Solitude That Asks For Nothing, Feel A Fear, Haven't You Got Eyes In Your Head, Lady Fascination, Pillars of the Underworld, Pride and Glory, The Irony of Chaste, The Original, and The March of the Wicked King. Look! I even wrote the titles alphabetically! And now Blaz Blue songs I like (not alphabetical): Rebellion, Motor Head (obviously), Oriental Flower, Marionette Purple, Imperial Code, Awakening the Chaos, Endless Despair (nevermind the irony here), Alexandrite (curse that Makoto for having such an addictive theme!), and that little ditty that plays whenever you end up in my non-canon lab in the story mode of Continuum Shift.

"Secondly, did you design the Genesic Emerald Tager Buster for counter-trolling against the snake-prick? I mean that thing is RIDICULOUS-and this is coming from a Tager player! Almost six-thousand damage in a single hit? And it's designed for surprise and finishers? Holy shit!"

Of course I did. What, you think Tager gave himself that upgrade? Hell no! Only someone of my caliber could come up with something as awe-inspiring as (dramatic pause) the Genesic Emerald Tager Buster! Ah yeah, baby; that was alllllllll me right there!

"Lastly (this one is optional, as it deals with those FUCKING ANNOYING glasses), if the things-which-shall-not-be-named WERE to exist (not that they do), have you ever thought of the potential effects when used on someone like Terumi? He's bound to this world by peoples' collective hatred of him, right? So, theoretically, wouldn't making everyone in the world love him make the snake-prick go up like a Molotov cocktail?

Again, that last one is optional, considering I know how much you hate those fuckers, and I wouldn't want to piss off one of my favorite characters (even if it IS a non-canon blog). (Ashcroft II)"

Fear not, good sir. You won't be showing up in my Hall Of Shame anytime soon. I already mentioned the possibility of characters besides Ragna using the Spectacles of Eros, but you went into more detail of what would happen if Terumi had the spectacles than I ever did.

However, there's a flaw in your theory. The Spectacles of Eros only make women fall in love with you, not men. You said "Everyone fall in love with him." Even if he got all the women to like him, he'd still be earning the ire of a lot of dudes and their XY chromosome combinations, especially seeing as how he would've stolen all those womens' hearts.

Buuuuuut . . . if everyone were to love him . . . then that'd solve all of my problems! But if that happened, there would be no story mode, now would there? Stupid rule about "stories can't exist without conflict!", I swear.

LAST MINUTE ADDENDUM: That goddman shitty vampire decided to be fickle again, regardless of my demands. Remember our friend, "d"? He did it again. Same exact schtick as before, four times now. But there's no evidence of him any longer, provided he doesn't get an account for our webspace. Rachel deleted every instance of his lackluster (massive understatement) attempts at trolling, including the one I quoted last chapter. It would seem she discovered a way to prevent peeps from posting shit without an account. When I texted her about this, she said something like, "Your very post on that vermin is good enough of a shrine for that person's lack of intelligence. I saw fit to remove said person's graffiti from my comments section, and good riddance." Well, she's got a point about me preserving the idiocy of trolls, and after thinking about it, I went ahead and enacted that same rule on my webspace. If you wanna communicate for whatever reason, at least have enough of a work ethic to sign up. It's the least I can ask for. I got enough shit piled up on my desk as it is.

Next time, on Help Us, Professor Kokonoe! I answer a question from an account-less individual, for the last time. After that, all submissions must be from people with accounts. Quiver under my iron-fisted rule, suckers!


	11. Chapter 11

And so, the time has come, yet again, that I think of a way to help you out. However, the truth is, the more I do these, the harder it becomes to think of a new way to help you. (I swear, Makoto, if you come running in here yelling, "So does that mean we need to help _you_, Professor Kokonoeǃ?", you're moving up on the Shitlist.)

However, we're gonna format things a little differently. (Hey, my blog, my rules.) I'm gonna answer a question first, then segway into my advice for you. Having said that, now I am going to answer the last anonymous comment I will ever respond to! After this . . . it will truly be . . . the end of an era. Don't cry, don't cry, save your tears for after the blog. For now, the last anonymous hurrah:

"Yo, Prof!

Dispite the fact that 'Help me, Proffessor Kokonoe!' is completely non-canon, has it ever bothered you to just knock it with tell us it's non-canon and just go with it? Hell! You could probably use that idea to piss off the more dumber portion of your ovarall fanbase, be them actually stupid, needlessly SIRIUS (completely incorrect spelling intended), and so on. i'm sure it would make a lot of people laugh their heads off."

Hey, you're right. I've been _way_ too conservative with my powers as a blog author. I can do whatever I want! And although you're encouraging me to do more of The Hall Of Shame, I don't even have to do that right now! Just watch! (presses numerous buttons)I just fired off my nuclear arsenal! NO MORE STUPID PEOPLE WOOOOOOOOOO!

(suddenly, Makoto runs in, with an excited look on her face)

[Makoto] Dude, dude, dude, dude, seriously, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, you know the latest Ask Rachel Alucard, where she was talking some old visual novel, the one called . . . um . . . something to do with with seagulls? I just started playing that, right? And it is like, the most awesome VN I've played since, like, forever dude! Seriously, I think I'm awesome'd out right now!

[Kokonoe] I no, riteǃ? Wait, didn't you hear the explosion just now?

[Makoto] Huh? What explosion?

[Kokonoe] (sighs) Nevermind.

(Somewhere on the surface, Jin is overlooking the ruined landscape, covered in soot)

[Jin] Damned Sector Seven labcoats! Can't they keep their noses out of my business for just one second!

[Ragna] (from out of nowhere) Hey asshole, how's the fallout?

[Jin] (looking psychotic) BEEEEE-ROTHEEEEEEEER! Fancy seeing _you_ here!

[Kokonoe] Okay, enough of that weirdness. As you were saying,

"Anyway, I hope you do well in your conquest to put every internet low life like 'd' in their place.

Yours truely,

The Anti-Social One

P.S.: Incase you, reader or other wise, think I'm an actual anti-Social. YOU ARE WRONG! I went like an idiot and thought an Anti-Social was a "Crude Lone Wolf" stereotype thing. Not some Sociopath that's out to make everyone's life a living hell. Ah well. Just a stupid name, so I can tolerate it if not a bit longer."

Anti-social doesn't automatically mean sociopath. It just means you don't have much contact with the outside world. And knowing how most people are, I can respect that. And it would seem that you support the idea of me hunting down dumbasses for the Hall Of Shame, even those who didn't troll me or my colleagues. Well lucky for you, because I am going to do that now!

This latest fail was not directed at me, nor my associates. And because of the lack of personal connection, I'll keep the names anonymous, so as to protect the innocent, as well as the perpetrators of stupidity. One day, I got bored, so I looked up amateur reviews of shit from your time period. Amateur reviews are a riot, for although they aren't bought out by publishers like professional reviewers, they tend to be just as biased, if not more. Even then, sometimes, the reviewers are unbiased, but you can't say the same for the critiques of the critique. Case in point: I found a negative amateur review of a multi-volume novel series. I won't say what series, except that it was a fantasy novel . . . _not Twilight._ It was a fantasy novel series, let's leave it at that. This review, despite being negative, was not the work of a troll. The reviewer mentioned a lot of serious flaws like bad pacing, idiot characters that get little to no growth, that sort of thing. Conversely, he (assuming it's a guy) mentioned some things we would've liked to see. His biggest suggestion was something like, "So most of the characters have these powers, right? Well how come they never use their powers in inventive ways, like summoning a horde of cats, or shooting spaghetti out of their fingers?" All well and good, but two comments to the review were by obvious fantards. One of the fantards said something like (it's funnier if I edit the message):

"It's not _your_ series! You're not the one who wrote it! If you wanna see shit like that that badly, then write your own goddamned novel! And leave (name of author) alone! This is my favorite work of fiction of all time, damn you! (sniffle)"

The other fantard was like:

"You only hate it because you don't get it! You must be an emotionally retarded manchild if you think (series) sucks! Stop spreading your filth over the internet, and never write a review again! And get a life, too! Now where's my Preparation H . . ."

Oh, but that's not all! Another commenter showed up, but this one was a White Knight, and not a dumbass, either! (S)He said something like:

"I apologize on behalf of the Science/Fantasy community here. This franchise is filled to the brim with fanbabies like those trolls. It's shameful, I know, but someone's gotta be unafraid to criticize flaws in (series). I would've done so earlier myself, but alas, I do not have your bravery. Well done, sir or madam."

And now comes the first part of my lesson; what if these people were discussing something much more serious than a series of books? What would happen then if the critics of the unpopular opinion were all waaaaghbulance victims waiting to happen? I'll be the one with an unpopular opinion.

"I hate the surface! I'm gonna nuke it!" "WAGH! WAGH! You don't know the surface! You're just being mean! Never threaten us again! WAGH!" "All the more reason to nuke you."

Watch what happens when you construct a meaningful critique.

"I hate the surface! I'm gonna nuke it!" "I must advise you to seriously reconsider your assessment. Destroy the surface? What could you possibly gain from that? Isn't your motivation behind this entire plan driven by nothing more than your own pettiness? Who will supply you with lollipops after you have destroyed the surface? And what of your friends, what few there are? You would be fine with killing them, knowing their deaths were at the behest of your conscience? Know that your plan is ill-advised at best, and downright evil at worst." " . . . God damn it, Rachel."

And let's flip that around; I'll print a popular opinion. (Ahem) I like Blaz Blue. If you like 2D fighters, I think you will like Blaz Blue too.

"This isn't like Street Fighter! Therefore, it sucks by default!" "Why do all the characters look like animu shitheadsǃ?" "This soundtrack is too metal!" "None of the voices are done by celebrities!" "How come you don't have 70 plus characters to play asǃ?" (Do I _really_ need to elaborate further on this one?)

And here is today's lesson: if you are going to complain about _anything_, be it books, games, or plans of world destruction, make sure your complaint is both legitimate, and well thought out. If not, you'll just end up looking like a tool.

Next time, on Help Us, Professor Kokonoe! I answer from someone with an account!


	12. Chapter 12

So now that a lot of readers have acknowledged the fact that since this isn't canon, I can do whatever I want, TIEM 4 WAKCY HIJINX LAWL!1ONELOLIO!1

But first, the big news. I outlasted Ask Rachel Alucard! That vampire's ease of sliding into boredom was her undoing! In fact, you could even say . . .

_I killed the Wabbit._

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I AM THE BEST DAMNED BLOGGER THIS SIDE OF KAGUTSUCHI!

"Hardly, Grimalken. You started later than the Vampire. And even if you do run longer than her, that does not mean you are superior to her in any way, shape, or form."

Shut up, Hakumen. (Presses button)

"GAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Remember, I hold the controls for the shock collar, not you. But enough of the blogging news, I need to help you all out with your lives. Today's advice: before you sign a contract, read every line to make sure the contract is worth signing. Don't be like Hakumen here and end up under _my_ thumb. And now let's get to my most popular feature, when I respond to fans! Let's get started:

"Dear Morally Ambiguous Catgirl of SCIENCE!

It's me C.R.V Reyes, the guy who asked you about the Freudian purpose of the Rocket arm and your lolipop flavor."

Even though your profile says your handle is Lyric Rome, I'll believe it.

"After some of my wanderings (and creating an account and starting a Fanfic), I've returned to ask for some sagely advice, and answers to sate my curiosity.

1) I know that you have some of the guys hanging out at your place. I'm wondering what do they do for their leisure. I can picture squirrel girl reading yaoi lemons of bishies, Hakumen, being the guy with a stick up his ass, practicing his speech of how he is the white void and all that. So, any insight on what you guys do on your free time?"

You're absolutely right on what Makoto does on her free time. I mean, aside from playing video games and watching giant robot cartoons. I guess it's all a part of her double agent act, she's a hardcore method actress like that. But I'm sure her enjoyment of yaoi Gundam fanfics is no act. Tager, when not training for combat, will solve insanely difficult mathematical equations, as well as research various philosophies. Hakumen, meanwhile, spends his time, in his own words, "Preparing my mind and body for the inevitable confrontation that will come." In other words, he swings his sword around and screams like a wild hog in heat. Moving onwards,

"2) There's this guy, a complete and utter lolicon who me and other pals say that said lolicon could be related to Pedobear and might probably end up in prison. Any ideas on how to force him out of his complex?"

You could always threaten his life if he continues, but something like that is something you're born with, as in you can't really force it out of them. If what you're most concerned about is him getting incarcerated, the best thing to do is to simply have him not do anything illegal. You can be the most depraved pedophile in the world, but if you avoid doing anything unlawful, you can get away with it. Tell him that.

"and

3) If your idea doesn't work on curing Pedobear's cousin, can you help me direct him to the goth loli's blog for good measure?"

What directions? It's hosted on the same site as mine. Just go to FFdotnet, go under the section marked, "Blaz Blue", and click on the blog entitled, "Ask Rachel Alucard." It's just like my blog, how hard can it be! Of course, good luck trying to get through to her, now that she's "retired." By the way, how much you wanna bet her "retirement" isn't going to be permanent?

But why would you want to direct him to . . . . oooooooooh, I get it! You wanna show him how uptight Rachel is! Yeah, that will shatter any fantasies he may've had about her! Good thinking! Wait, there's more.

"Postscript. If I were to write a lemon about the prissy loli vampire, would you give me advice on how to piss her off further?"

Wait . . . write a lemon about a loli . . . are you projecting? Cuz now, it sounds to me this "cousin" of yours is just a version of you embody-ing an undesirable social trait. I know what you're getting at; Rachel hates sexual objectification, so writing a lemon about her is bound to get her flustered, but, the fact that she's a loli, and your previous comments just sounds too coincidental.

"Uh, Koko, isn't projection one of Freud's theories? I thought you didn't like his work?"

I said _most_ of his theories were bunk, not _all_ of them. Many of his theories on psychological defense still hold water, including the concept of projection. I mean, just look at this guy! He's obviously a lolicon in denial! As for advice on actually writing a lemon? Uh, this is sexually related, so . . . go ask your mother. Oh wait, there's still more,

"Post-postscript. On further thought, if I were to ask for advice on how to get Rachel and other people of Blazblue very pissed off, would you help?

- And yes, I am one of your fans, with the good and bad that may come of it."

Oh yes, fans encompass both good and bad traits, believe me. As for pissing off Blaz Blue characters, well, that's easy.

Ragna: Say, "Release Code 666: Blaz Blue (half-beat) activate!" (Oh yeah, I know stage directions.)

Tao: Steal her meal.

Rachel: Act like the exact opposite of a 19th century noble from Europe.

Valkenhayn: Insult Rachel.

Noel: Mention how small her tits are.

Tsubaki: Remind her that Jin is not by her side.

Makoto: Talk shit about Gundam Unicorn.

Arakune: Say in a suggestive tone, "_I stole your precioussssss._"

Jin: First of all, _don't mention Ragna._ That look of psychosis he gets technically doesn't qualify as anger. Instead, do one of two things. One, say that magenta-haired women look like shit. Two, say that ice-based powers suck, and that the other elements are way awesomer. This also works on Hakumen, just instead of ice powers, make fun of his inability to dash on the ground.

Nu-13: Say, "Ragna's dead. He will never be able to reciprocate your feelings for him. Your life is now meaningless."

Lambda-11: Uh . . . I don't think she can get angry, not after what I did to her.

Terumi: Ignore him. No, seriously, if he talks to you, and you ignore him, it puts him in a rage.

Platinum: Look up her skirt.

Mu-12: Mention how small her tits are.

With these useful tips, even you can be a professional troll in the Blaz Blue universe!

Sorry, no Hall of Shame today. I really only wrote this to respond to the ZOMG blogging news concerning you-know-who. Maybe next time, I'll find someone worth lampooning. Until then, I've got some more victory gloating to do.


	13. Chapter 13

Oh look, another entry I pounded out. Hurray. Although this time, I actually have some real, palpable advice for you all.

Today's life lesson? Clean your computer hardware. This is highly important! A few days ago, my mouse was acting weird. It was registering single clicks as double-clicks, dragging and selecting shit I didn't click on, and basically being a nuisance. I took it apart and found it was full of dirt and hair and other nastiness. I cleaned it out and put it back together. Now, the click buttons work right, the mouse itself scrolls more smoothly, and I can use selection boxes properly again! Not only that, Makoto once told me she forgot to clean a hard drive tower for her laptop as a kid, the dirt choked the cooling fans, and then it caught fire. All those pirated animus and vidjagames had to be re-downloaded, poor thing. But you can avoid that by cleaning it every few months!

But now let's get to the most popular feature, the part where I service the fans . . . by answering their questions.

"Dear professor Kokonoe!

Well actually I was wondering If I could direct this question towards Hakumen if he isn't doing something busy"

Of course I could. Just don't expect politeness.

"P.S. You rock XP"

Okay, first of all, _you do not put your post-script in the middle of a fucking letter! It goes at the eeeend of an email! Simple linguistics!_Secondly, no, I don't rock XP. Do I look like I use ancient OS's in my time period? (Lame pun is lame.)

"Okay Umm, Hakumen I have three questions I would love for you to answer if you can.

1.) Why do you STILL hate ragna? Seriously, I mean even in a different reality you still hate him? Is he that evil?"

Hakumen, you have point.

"Regarding why I still hate Ragna the Bloodedge, you would do well to remember that he is the Black Beast. The Black Beast cares for nothing except total annihilation. Any being who is a nihilist is therefore evil, and must be put down before it causes any harm. Ragna the Bloodedge is no exception to this rule, blood brother or not. Your next question."

"2.) Hakumen your incredibly powerful but why is it that you still can't defeat terumi by yourself?"

"As has been mentioned before, Terumi is one not to play by the rules. Granted, he is a formidable opponent in martial combat, but his true strength is his ability to anticipate future events, and to prepare for them. If we were to fight to the knife, but with no tricks, no advantages, and no cheating, he would most likely fall under my blade in most of these mock matches. However, he is aware of this, and prepares in such a way to even the odds in his favor. Can you see why the Grimalken and the vampire hate him, so? Your last question."

"3.) What is your opinion on each of the Six heroes? You never really talk about them I noticed, I would love to see how you feel about each one individually."

Thats all XD (ShadowCollector)"

"You already know about Terumi and I, in that we are sworn enemies. As for the other Heroes, or the ones I am allowed to tell you about, Valkenhayn R. Hellsing is a formidable opponent, and overall, a noble individual . . . if he didn't spend his spare time awaiting on that spoiled vampire woman hand and foot. As for Trinity, she too was noble and powerful, yet now is stuck in the body of a child with two other personalities. A shame what has come of her. The last two Heroes I am not contractually obliged to tell you about, and as such, that is all I have to say today."

And I'm back! Miss me? Well guess what I got for you? Another addition to . . . . The Hall Of Shame!

Although it's one I don't have a personal connection to again, so the fucktard of the day will remain anonymous. Okay, granted, there's a lot of people like Guy (we'll call him Guy) out there, in my time period, as well as yours. You see, Guy says he's a fan of . . . let's say fighting games, since I come from one. Guy frequents online communities dedicated to fighting games, and what does he spend his entire time doing?

Bitching, moaning, complaining, whining, and verbally lashing out at fighting games.

"But, he said he was a huge fan of fighting games!" the other people say. "He almost sounds like he hates fighting games!" The other fans call him out on this. They eventually ask, "Do you even _like_ fighting games?"

Guy responds, "Of course I do. I love (insert name of a really obscure fighting game most people have never heard of), I really likes Tekken Tag Tournament, and I _kind of_ like King of Fighters 12." But that's it. He constantly slanders the classics of the genre, the Street Fighters, the Mortal Kombats, the Guilty Gears, saying they're "overrated." He insults the taste of his fellow fighting game fans regularly. And he repeatedly rants about how fighting game developers "aren't doing enough", that "true" fans like him should fight for better entertainment in our fighters.

You see, Guy is what I like to call an Anti-Fan. Anti-Fans are not like haters, for haters don't claim to be fans of whatever they hate, yet Anti-Fans are just as vicious in their rhetoric, if not more so. Their dilemma is that they see flaws, or what they _perceive_ to be flaws, blow them completely out of proportion, and claim that they could do better than the developers. They are incapable of enjoying their products of amusement, and they are responsible for angering countless droves of people.

To Guy, I have to say this; if you hate 97 percent of all fighting games out there, _maybe fighting games aren't for you._ Maybe you like RPGs more; play those! Or maybe you like shooters more, play those instead! Hate Angry Birds? Try a different casual game! If you keep obsessing over a genre or series or whatever that you hate that you think could be better, you'll lose your god damn mind! And if you keep spreading your dysentery online, you'll infect us with your stupidity, too! Some things you should just let it be, man. Just let it be already.

Alright. That's enough for today. Nice to see Hakumen gettin' some love for once.

* * *

This is Hakumen. It is late at night, and the Grimalken is fast asleep. Now is the time I can tell you about the other Heroes.

Jubei and Nine were the most honorable of the Heroes. It was their integrity that has prevented this world from descending into darkness. Overall, you could say I respect most of the Heroes to some degree, but none more so than the parents of the one I am bound to. What irony.

[Author's Note: In case you don't read my Type-Moon or Touhou fanfics, you may have missed my important announcement. Here it goes.

I wish to not concentrate as much on fanfiction in the future. I want to write original stories that I hope to self-publish for money under my true name. I hope to have my first ebook finished later this year. To do this, I will not be able to write as much fanfiction as I used to. Do note that I am not abandoning fanfiction entirely; I do enjoy writing it, and I will continue to write Help Us, Professor Kokonoe in the future. Just keep in mind that I have a new ambition to carry out, and as much, all of my fanfiction projects will be slower to update. Thank you for your understanding.]


	14. Chapter 14

I can't think of anything to write up here. I do have a lesson, but it'll be at the end. You'll see why. For now, let's skip straight into a letter!

"Addressing:The Illustrious Super-Genius, Professor Kokonoe

In advance, I apologize for any potential typographical errors that may be present; my browser does not seem to agree with the blog's means of response input."

Don't fret over typos. That's a given for my series. We hear embarce typoes, so tyep on, brother! Type on.

"I admit that I am in a slight predicament here. I used to consider myself fairly proficient in the combat use and operation of the Sankishin-type Susano-o unit; particularly in taking advantage of its weapons range to ensure that those with a more aggressive combat technique would not be able to realize such strategies.

This, however, has become problematic as of recent, given the infamous logistical change known as 'CS2'. As a result, I have found myself increasingly frustrated against some opponents-most notably Murakumo Unit 11, Designation 'Lambda'.

As such, I have attempted to switch over my specialization to remote operation of Murakumo Unit 12, Designation 'Mu', but have had a notable problem; while C- and T- type training simulations are available, there seem to be some missing files and am forced to endure either the 'SA' simulations or attempt direct combat use in my current less-than-experienced state. Given that you are knowledgable in the operation of other Murakumo units, I am hoping that there would be some advice you would be able to impart upon me in regards to finding a method of training in the remote operation of Murakumo Unit 12."

Geez. That sure is an overly complicated way of saying, "I used to main Hakumen, but ever since Continuum Shift 2 came out, I keep losing as him, especially against Lambda. I'm now maining as Mu, and I want to get better as her. Any suggestions?" I should congratulate you over your write-up . . . but I think doing that would encourage more people to do the same.

But you forget something; I'm an NPC, not a fighting game otaku. I think you should look up an online FAQ instead. Preferably a video game FAQ . . . was there a site dedicated to that back then? Well, if not, maybe some fansite would. I can tell you this though about Mu; she's the kind of fighter that's hard to master, but if you should master her, you will become fearsome. Keep playing as her enough and you should find your way. Anyways, what else?

"In other, less technical-related subjects, I am curious as to what types of food you prefer aside from candy. Consider it a matter of curiosity."

Interesting question! I guess you can say I have a sweet tooth. (Don't mean that literally.) I like ice cream, I like peanut butter cookies, and I _especially _like cinnamon donuts. Not the big ones, the little ones. I'll sure now you're all hungry for these things, aren't you? I'm evil like that.

"Lastly, I am in possession of a large cache of Ferrero Rocher chocolates, and am willing to part with these in exchange for a copy of your seal. I await your response.

(...please let this work...)" (EricAlphonse)

Um, seal? What do you mean? Like seal of approval? A seal from the ocean? I'm afraid I can't negotiate any further, since I don't know what the fuck you're talking about! Sure, I like chocolates, but I don't know what "seal" I have to give up! Now look at how frustrated you've made me! Ergh, taking an ice cream break. Be right back.

(Alexandrite can be heard faintly in the distance while Kokonoe is gone.)

And now I'm back. Today, I felt like giving you more content, so here's another letter!

"Dear Kokonoe(ko)"

Adding "ko" after my name is not funny. Don't ever do that again if you value your appendages.

"Before I begin asking questions, I would like to point out something. When you explained the concept of Anti-Fans you mentioned and I quote 'claim that they could do better than the developers'. This in itself isn't technically bad, so long as they decide to put their money were there mouth is, so to speak. This is the thought process that spawned Project Touhou, and look how that turned out."

Damn it! Why do people keep bringing up Touhouǃ? Oh whatever, allow Makoto to rebut you.

"Thank you, Koko! To Sir or Madam, first, it's Touhou Project, not Project Touhou. Secondly, ZUN, as far as I know, does not hate on video games the same way Anti-fans of video games would. He looked at the market, was not satisfied with what he saw, but did something about it! He said, 'I'll make a game series I want to see!' So therefore, he is in no way an Anti-fan, because he clearly is a game lover to have made all of those games by himself!

But what Koko meant was people who claim they could outdo the developers, yet don't have the means to. Take for instance an Anti-fan of animation. He rants, he claims he could do better . . . except he doesn't have a staff, producers approving of his project, a budget, no creative know-how, and as such, never can produce anything.

Koko's philosophy regarding this is: if you hate something enough to complain about it, do better. If you can't do better, find a similar product you hope to be superior. If you keep obsessing over and over whatever it is you think is flawed, yet still insist you are a fan despite contradictory evidence, you become an Anti-fan, and we don't want that! We want happiness! But now, I turn this back to Koko."

So you do have your uses in the lab after all. Now then, back to the responder:

"On to the actual questions!

1) It is my understanding that Terumi knows all the possible outcomes of the 'Continuum Shift'. If that is so how does he know which of those possibly infinite possibilities he'll end up in?"

Remember in the end of Continuum Shift, he absorbed Takamagahara, which had observed virtually every instance in the history of the universe. Okay, granted, he didn't do that until the end of Continuum Shift, but I reckon that's how he did it, or it's related to that somehow.

"2) Where do you go for vacations? It must be very stressful doing what you doing."

Vacations? I have no need for vacations. If anything, vacations are a distraction from my life's work, and I can't have that.

"3) Silly Squirrel Girl, why is it that you work for this inferior being? Yours is the superior race. It would so easy for your people to band together and take down NOL, Terumi, and all else that stands in your way! Rise up and put those foolishly foolish fools in their place! Mwahahahahahahah!

...I can't believe I just typed that. I must be listening to Foamy's rants a little too much."

Yeah, uh, I know Makoto was, and probably still is a subject of prejudice, but I don't think advocating the opposite extreme is a good idea either. Remember, even though she was a double agent for Sector Seven, she does genuinely like Noel and Tsubaki, two smooth-skinned (near) hairless humans.

Also, Foamy? What? Someone explain that to me, because seriously, _what?_

"5) Hakumen you claim to slay all evil. You mercilessly kill all those opposed to justice. But in doing so you slay heroes (Ragna fought of the Blackbeast by himself for a friggin' year if my knowledge of BlazBlue cannon is correct) Doesn't that make you evil and therefore you must slay yourself?" (NightmareSyndrom)

Yeah, I don't think Hakumen's gonna fall for your logic trap. He's a Blaz Blue character, not a robot from Star Trek. But then again, my assumption could be wrong. Let me try it out. Hey Haku.

"What do you want, Grimalken?"

Has it ever occurred to you that some of the supposedly evil people you kill might actually be good?

"Explain yourself."

Take Ragna for instance; he's trying to save the world, too, and yet, you keep killing him. And you kill other people that get in your way too, even Tao, all because they obstructed you, in your words! (starts imitating William Shatner) You've . . . killed people, in cold, _blood!_ You've . . . committed murder, all . . . in the pursuit of . . . a concept that is . . . abstract, like, _justice!_ Do you know what the penalty is, for . . . murder?

" . . . The penalty . . . is death. (draws sword) I will now commit Seppuku."

Holy shit, that actually worked! And that is today's lesson, never assume, because when you assume, you make an ass (assume) out of you (u) and me (me).

By the way, there is no number 4 on your list. But don't worry, unlike a now-defunct blog by someone who will remain anonymous, I will not censor your message in any way through rigorous editing. We here at Help Us, Professor Kokonoe believe in raw, honest delivery, evn if it meens itt woldnt pass yor Engurishu testu.


	15. Chapter 15

Good God, I'm bored. I thought having this blog thing would end my suffering, but no. What afflicted Rachel is now afflicting me too. Though unlike her, I won't succumb to the tedium. If anything, I should be thanking the loli. Why? Because this is a special time, because I am now going to respond to the last of . . . Rachel Alucard's responses! Yes, the bloodsucker has granted me this opportunity yet again, and now I will make use of it! Let's not waste any time!

"Dear Rachel.

1) Does your house have air conditioner.

2) Asuming Ragna had a blog. What would you ask him?

That is all. Waller out."

She probably doesn't have air conditioning, per se, but rather, has some magical enchantment that works like an AC. That's my guess.

As for a Ragna blog? Oh man . . . knowing his problems, that would be interesting to read.

"That dumbass Kaka showed up again. She kept saying, 'Feed me, Good Guy!' Since no one else was, I did. Only problem was . . . I ended up having to eat-and-run, again. As if my criminal record wasn't bad enough as it was. . . . I came across one of Noel's friends, the squirrel girl. She said, 'Dood, yor just liek Vash teh Stampede!' And I was like, 'Who the hell is that?' She explained. I told her I don't have delirious mood swings like this Vash character. She got upset. We sparred over it. If she's reading this, know that wearing more clothes wouldn't kill you. Do you wanna get arrested for indecent exposure, 'cuz it looks that way from _my_ perspective . . . Jin showed up shortly afterwards. I didn't have time for his horseshit, so I unleashed Gauntlet Hades on him. He was like, 'No fair! I wasn't ready yet!' I said, 'What are you, ten?'"

As for what I'd ask him, I would ask, "Yo Rags, why come u rip of soo miny animes?" I'd say that just for his reaction against my typos alone. But anyways, next one actually starts off with the sender answering one of Rachel's questions:

"Yes Rozen Maiden is not full of Fan-Service and Unfunny Pop Culture References.

Now then Ms. Alucard for my Questions

1.) What are your views to the following critcally acclaimed Children TV series? "Transformers: Beast Wars", "Batman: The Animated Series", "Gargoyles", and "The Animaniacs"

2.) On your opinion who among all of the cast in BlazBlue do you think is the most difficult to beat?

3.) How did you get stuck with the observing job to begin with?

That is all... (PINOY-BLAZEBLUE-FAN)"

I somehow have a _really_ hard time picturing her watching a cartoon of any sort. Except for maybe Grave of the Fireflies, I can't picture her doing that. Then again, the aesthetics of this "Rozen Maiden" look right up her alley.

Okay, according to the wiki, you wanna know what she thinks of the Beast Wars version of Transformers, the animated Batman series from the 1990s, Gargoyles, and Animaniacs? Gee, 90s much? Of course, knowing her, she'd probably lambast Transformers for being a toy commercial, Batman for dressing up in a ridiculous costume, Animaniacs for being overly zany . . . actually, she might like Gargoyles. Looks like something else up her alley.

I personally can't comment on any of these shows, because unlike one of my Sector Seven residents, I don't obsess over videos made from ink. You know, this would probably be worth asking to the real Rachel, but good luck getting an answer that doesn't insult your intelligence. Then again, I could always coerce her into another guest spot.

Hardest character to beat? Well, I've heard some people say Hakumen is a pain in the ass. Think about it; he's got a long reach, does a ton of damage, can take a lot of damage, and unlike poor Tager, can airdash. I dunno if Rachel would agree with, but that's what I would answer.

And her job as an observer? I think that falls under the "We can't tell you because it could spoil a future game clause." Regardless, next letter.

"Dear Charismatic Gothic Lolita of Good Manners,

I've been having some trouble... No, it's not my firend who was obsessed over you (by the way, thanks for the advice on that matter. He only goes nuts when I beat you in-game, or kick his butt as her. Both reactions of which I find rather hilarious.), infact, it's... Terumi... The bastard set up a game booth where if you stay calm for 30 seconds, you win ten bucks. Fail and you lose 10 bucks. HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSE TO WIN WHEN THAT SNAKE BASTARD'S TROLLING IS GETTING US! I'm pretty sure I fell for a trolling method he used on one of the previous players!

You sure as hell know what runs through his batshit insane mind! help us out here!

From,

The Anti-Social One

P.S.: I say "we" and "us" is because I'm not the only one to fall victim to his tactics. (The Anti-Social One)"

Ha! I see through your trap! You're referring to an online comic from your time period! (also, I LOL at your comment of "Charismatic Gothic Lolita of Good Manners.") Yeah, it was called Blazen, and there were comics about what you just described.

But I think I know how to win this challenge. You see, Terumi feeds off negativity. Therefore, you just gotta counteract with positivity! Watch as I use my dialog predictor program to play it out!

[Terumi] Oh look, it's the bastard offspring of two of the Six Heroes!

[Me] Yes! Mommy and Daddy were glorious!

[Terumi] Indeed! The way their guts were splattered was just _glorious!_

[Me] True true!

[Terumi] That's why I made sure to fuck your mom before killing her.

[Me] . . . . . . BASTAAAAAAARD!

Okay, that didn't work out as well as I thought. Hmm, that _is_ a good challenge. I wonder how many achievement points you could get for winning that? Or is that one of those things that you're not supposed to win? Whatever. I got one last question directed at Rachel:

"Dear Rachel,

First, I'd like to thank you for answering my previous questions, and for reviewing my work, even though it wasn't to your tastes.

I really appreciate the input, as I'm still rather new at writing fiction. Which brings me to the second part of this message.

Do you have suggestions for improving one's literary style? Other than enjoying writing first and foremost. On a side note, what are your preferences in authors and genres?

One final querry: what are your thoughts on American writer and poet Edgar Allan Poe? (Tod 1166)"

Oh, this is from that guy that wrote that one-chapter fanfic! Kudos, man! I looooove seeing a fanficcer turning a brat like her into his plaything! _Genius!_

Anyhow, this submission is timed for chapter 19, yet Rachel actually mentioned Poe in chapter 20. Coincidence? Probably not. I know she likes him, since she recommended one of his short stories, which, coming from her, means a lot. Wait, she already answered your question, but didn't even credit you! That fucking _bitch!_

As for her preferences in authors and genres, I'm guessing "Gothic Horror" is a pretty safe bet for her. I wanna also say Harlequin Romance, but that would be obvious trolling on my part. As for authors? Judging from the way she speaks, I would guess Dickens.

Unfortunately, these are the last of her questions that are worth giving a damn for. Unless if she makes a comeback, or unless people, for whatever godforsaken reason, flood her inbox with submissions, every question I answer from here on out will be those directed at me . . . or my associ-

-"(beep)!"

Huh? My mobile . . . it looks like it has something uploaded . . . a video . . . I wonder what it is.

(The video plays. It shows a petite woman, wearing a red and black dress sitting arrogantly upon a throne made from a cat.)

"You presume too much, Kokonoe. I have had the opportunity to see those animated programs for myself. Allow me and me alone to describe _my_ thoughts on them.

The recommendation for Rozen Maiden was a good one, however, it was originally a manga, and I found that to be more enjoyable. Nonetheless, I have now acquainted myself with the music of Ali Project.

I could not bring myself to stomach Transformers nor Animaniacs-"

"-YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

" . . . Do _not_ speak out of turn, Makoto Nanaya. These are _my_ opinions, not yours."

Wait, this is live, not pre-recorded?

"Are you daft? Of course this is live, Kokonoe. Now, if you'll let me finish, I am not fond of wacky humor nor giant robots shooting at one another, however, despite your prediction, I actually enjoyed the animated version of Batman. I felt it was appropriately dramatic and action-filled when it needed to be. However, you were correct on one thing; I found Gargoyles the most enjoyable out of all of these shows. I am not normally fond of products from the so-called 'House of Mouse', but I must make an exception for this. Despite being targeted at mortal children, I found it most compelling, despite falling far outside of the target audience. Suffice to say, I have found a few children's cartoons that _don't_ make me roll my eyes in disgust.

As for favorite authors, yes, I like Poe and Dickens, but to list off every author that _doesn't_ insult me with their understanding of language would leave me here all day. Oh, but Kokonoe, you neglected to offer advice to your readers to assist in their miserable lives."

Oh, well, uh, I was gonna get around to that, but-

"-But your incompetence is preventing you. (sighs) I will cover for you, so that you may save face.

To those reading this, you would do well to know that to get through life, it is necessary to, in mortals' words, enjoy the small things in life. I have been alive for many a long year, and whilst I do get bored from time to time, I have lost my mind yet. That is because I make time to enjoy things that do not infuriate me. Later this evening, I will go for a stroll, and pick a fight with whomever crosses my path I find worthy. Later, I will unwind to the sound of Mendelssohn, then practice reciting the poetry of William Blake from memory. Through this, I keep my mind active, and avoid ending up in despair. True, I am only repeating advice Kokonoe gave quite some time ago, but it is good to reiterate such advice to the peons who still read this, so that they may still function properly in society. That is all." (The video ends)

Hey, that doesn't count! Okay, here's the real advice; if someone comes over, make sure you invited them first. Easy as that. This way, you can avoid what I just suffered. Until next time, suckers!


	16. Chapter 16 uncut edition

[A note from Jonathan: This is a special chapter of my fanfiction series Help Us, Professor Kokonoe. Why? Because I didn't write it entirely by myself. It was co-written by me and Heraklinios, otherwise known as Zero, a guy with many of the same interests as me.

Zero and I had collaborated before on one of my Type-Moon fanfics earlier, to great effect. He wanted to do one in my Blaz Blue series next. At first, I didn't agree, but then I changed my mind, because hey, he's been loyal to me for so long, so why not? The initial draft for this chapter was loooooong. Zero had a lot to say. I shortened a lot of it when I first uploaded it. But you know what? I'm not satisfied with the shortened version. This here is the full, uncut version.

Beware, it is weird. And stars Zero's star original character. (Don't worry; he's not a God Moder.) But I guarantee both my section and his will give Blaz Blue fans a chuckle. So here it is, the full, properly formatted ch. 16.

Or actually, if you wanna see a version with even better formatting, go here:

.

Or if you want, you can read it here too. Enjoy.]

Something's wrong; I haven't featured Lambda at all! Or at least not since my "pilot" on Ask Rachel Alucard so many moons ago, so I'm going to fix that. Lambda, start up.

"Loading . . . loading . . . loading . . . loading . . . complete. Greetings, Professor Kokonoe. What is your command?"

Say something kind to all the bored masses listening in.

"Affirmative . . . something kind to all the bored masses listening in."

Heh heh heh! Okay, joke's over; I want you to contribute something meaningful.

"Affirmative . . . define, 'meaningful'."

Uh, do something to make the audience feel that you're not wasting their time and attention.

"Roger. If you continue to support the Blaz Blue franchise, good things will come to you in the future."

...That's it? No wonder why I never feature you on this thing, cuz you have no personality! You're like Nu, except boring! Go back into your capsule and stay in there!

"Understood."

Seeǃ? You're not even rebelling against me! Do something exciting!

"Affirmative." (Fires off those things that hover behind her. Kokonoe gets hurt. Screen fades to black.)

(Sometime later, after Kokonoe is feeling better)

Okay, that was stupid of me. And therein lies your lesson for the day. Yeah, I know "be careful what you wish for" is a cliched expression, but it's become cliched for a reason.

But enough of that. There's this guy who's been following me, as well as Rachel, for some time. His name is Raim Hanta, and he's quite the insane fellow; he thinks he has powers that were displayed in the Shin Megami Tensei games. Not only that, he claims to have wandered into the Touhou universe, as well as my own universe, among others. What's amusing is remember on Ask Rachel Alucard, there was that epidemic of Terumi impersonators? Guess what? That got so out of hand, some people tried to imitate our SMT fanboy, to hilariously bad effect, of course. Our man Raim Hanta did send me a submission some time ago, but I didn't wanna respond to it just yet, but now that I have free time, let me humor him by doing so . . . again.

"Yo.

Has been a while, huh? Heh, Energizer is basically done answering questions that I decided to focus here? H/Allelujah! (Don't call Makoto about this one)"

Gundam 00 reference. Even I know that.

"*ahem*

As I was saying...let's start with quite interesting shit to talk about:

1) "What do you think/know about the SCP foundation? Do you find their stories disturbing...or a relax spot for insane people?"

I had no idea what this "SCP Foundation" was before you asked. Near as I can tell, it was a website that contained (fictional) records of bizarre entities, serving as an encyclopedia of the rare and unusual. Obviously, this site doesn't exist anymore in my time period, hence the scant information I could find.

As for the stories they cooked up . . . they are, interesting, to say the least. I wonder how they would classify Arakune, assuming they hadn't already.

2) "Do you think you can take on 4chan? How?"

4Chan, as in the imageboard board? I can't take them on; all the imageboards from your era are long dead in my time period. Of course, we still have imageboards, and we still have a so-called "Anonymous Collective", but the 4chan that you speak of is extinct in the future. Then again, that SCP site you mentioned started there; I guess that's why you're asking.

Of course, truthfully, you don't really need to combat "Anonymous." Know why? Remember when the Rabbit was talking about how humans don't have a hive mentality? Guess what? That very same mentality guarantees that the Anons aren't as united as they think, and they're being fractured makes them an easy target. But even then, it's pointless, because it always rises again and again, so whatever.

3) "Now that you opened the discussion about Gundam...since I know you love modifying Tager when he's not looking, why not add upgrades a la Gundam? A Trans-AM system would do wonders. No, seriously. That system puts Gundam on crack."

I . . . didn't open up no discussion on Gundam. I just said Makoto likes that. I don't know much about that franchise, other than it usually involves a bunch of different groups of people talking about politics, and people who claim to be pacifists yet slaughter thousands of people in combat, mmm, delicious irony. But beyond that, I don't know what you're talking about.

Of course, I have experimented with overclocking Tager's movements; can't make progress without taking risk, after all. I don't know about this Trans-AM system (I'm guessing it's trademarked by Pontiac), but if it really existed, I'd look into it.

4) "Have you tried the Demon Summoning Program? If not, what the hell are you doing?"

I already told you, summoning demons is dangerous, and I'm avoiding taking such risks. Yeah, I know, I just said you can't make progress without risk, but there's a difference between "taking a reasonable risk" and "Rolling the dice and hoping you don't get hosed in the immediate future."

In fact, this "Demon Summoning Program" sounds like something that belongs in a universe other than my own. Yeah, I'll gladly get back to using such a program right after I use the Dragonballs to wish me some free candy, but until then, no summoning demons for me.

Also, why is it a "program"? Is this like some program that lets you download demons into the world? Again, I must ask, what?

5) "...Haven't you noticed that when you answer these questions, Hakumen is slowly tearing the collar apart?"

Oh yeah, the shock collar. Hmm, that's quite observant of you. Let me see if he still has it on. (pushes button) Huh . . . I didn't hear him scream in agony. Guess he already got rid of it. Clever boy. Well, I'll just have to find some other way to make sure he doesn't escape and do something on his own, but I'll worry about that later. Next question!

6) "Have you noticed that Terumi is...semi-Meta aware? Well...since he's your Joker, I'm not quite surprised...Jokes aside, that trait...might be dangerous. You do not want him to still be Meta aware. I can vouch for that."

If by "Meta-aware", you mean, "Knows he's in a video game series in the proper canon", that seems unlikely. I'm sure given his abilities, it does seem like he is, in your parlance, "Meta-aware", but I don't think he's gotten to that level . . . yet. Still, I wouldn't deny the possibility that he could in the future, which would make him especially dangerous.

And yeah, he is a lot like the Joker, now that you mention it. Terumi is our very own bastard child of Joker and Aizen, how fun.

7) "Did you noticed I'm actually writing this in a higher Meta level than you? No, seriously. I came back from peeking at Archer's noire reality and it's awesome."

Higher Meta level than me? Say, what was it Rachel said the last time she spoke with you? That overexposure to Umineko would destroy your concept of reality? Yeah, I think that's happening to you, considering I can't make heads or tails of what any of that is supposed to mean.

"And...I think that's that.

Kudos,

Meta-Raim

P.S.: I'm behind you."

Yeah, sure you (turns around and sees a young man) HOLY SHIT!

"Hello."

Gah, ah, (activates radio) TAGER! INTRUDER ALERT! GET IN HERE NOW!

The mystery man was wearing black pants and a red jacket, slightly similar to Ragna's, but the difference was that his jacket lacked belts of any sort. He also wore a gray shirt underneath, with nothing striking as impressive, along with his disheveled black hair and dead black eyes. What really looked out of place was the bokuto, whose tip was broken...and he was also wearing a fez. He said, "Wow. You really had to see your face! Brilliant!"

"TAGER!" Kokonoe still shouted through the radio. "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOUǃ?"

"...Huh. And I expected some sort of introduction. Guess I expected too much from a host like you. Oh well."

"You son of a bitch, how the hell did you-"

"-Arrive here? Simple, I made my way in."

"I meant that-"

"-How exactly?" He interrupted her again. "Well...if I had to get technical, let's just say that it is easier to access his realities he created since I met his Zel along the way. Quite fun, that old man."

Kokonoe sounded off, "The fuck are you talking about?"

Raim responded, "Eh, don't think much about it. You'll get a headache." He said, walking towards the capsule holding Lambda and knocked it, as if knocking a door. "Hey, Nu-tan. How's it going?"

"...Subject does not appear in databanks. Identify yourself."

"...Oh sorry, wrong Nu. Geez, keeping track of who is who is really problematic. Oh well! Nice to see you're okay, Lambda-chan."

"…"

Kokonoe, "Hey! What are you doing with Lambda? And where the hell's Tagerǃ?"

"Kokonoe!" Tager finally appeared in the room. "What happened...wait, who are you?"

"FINALLY!" Kokonoe was livid. "Get rid of him, now!"

"Affirmative!" Tager walked forward toward the impossibility.

"Oh hey, Yammy-san." What? "How is it going?"

Tager said, "My name is not Yammy."

Raim added, "Ah, yes. I forgot you're voiced by that guy who made his voice. Or I'm just having fun for myself. Who can say?"

"Kokonoe, mind explaining to me what is this boy talking about?"

Kokonoe shouted, "Who cares about thatǃ? He shouldn't be here in the Boundary! That's just impossible!"

Raim snarked, "And yet, here you are, in the same Boundary. I think that's called hypocrisy, you silly cat."

Kokonoe asked,"Also, why is he wearing a fez?"

"Well, fezzes are cool!" Raim said, removing the fez from his head. "The Doctor said so, so it's right . . . kind of, since he's a bit . . . scatter-brained, but he's a cool guy. Oh, and if you meet him, don't shoot his TARDIS."

Tager raised an eyebrow, "Doctor? TARDIS? You are not making any sense."

"...Analysis about terms of Doctor and TARDIS...complete." Lambda said.

Raim smiled, "Nice, lass."

Lambda recited, "...Data obtained comes from a British television show, broadcasted during the 20th century, which got revived during the beginning of the 21th century, toward time undefined. Data corrupted beyond that point. The Doctor is part of a fictional race called Time Lords that..."

[several minutes later]

"...And during the latest season, the Doctor and his companions went and..."

"Lamb-chan, I think that's enough." Meta-Raim said.

"Affirmative."

Kokonoe looked at the android, "Lambda...might explaining to me why do you obey him?"

"...Acquired data suggests that the intruder does not show any sign of hostility whatsoever. By that logic, battle protocols are null."

Raim clarified, "In other words, I'm not trying to kill you, she's not trying to kill me. Simple as that."

The situation subsided a little. But just barely, since Kokonoe still looked livid. Raim, however, looked as relaxed as if someone came out of a SPA. Which is quite jarring, if you really know where the hell are they.

"Anyways...why the hell are you here?" Kokonoe asked, as Raim was looking at a set of buttons with interest. "Hey! Don't touch that!"

"Oh sorry. A habit of mine is that I always try to find out the purpose of everything and anything, who knows when it will become useful to save my ass or someone else's?"

"That's highly unlikely." Tager commented.

"Oh, where are my manners?" Raim said, as he opened Lambda's capsule after much trial and error. "You shouldn't stay there alone, you know. Here . . . come out."

Lambda nodded as she came out of the hatch.

"There. Much better, isn't it?"

"..." Lambda stood still for a while, but quietly nodded.

Raim sighed, "Will you stop that? She cannot feel anything at all at this point. Well, other than his crazy love for...him," she was careful not to mention Ragna. "She has no emotions. I've tried."

The door was opened forcefully at that moment. From it, a very happy and energetic person entered the room, her distinctive tail revealing her identity.

"Hello, professor! How's it going?"

Kokonoe mouthed, "Oh, it's you."

Kokonoe normally could stand Makoto's antics in a normal day. But due to Raim's sudden appearance, apart from his colorful personality, put her in such a bad mood that she almost ordered Tager to take her out of the room.

Makoto looked concerned, "What's wrong, doc? You don't look so well."

"Actually, Makoto, I'm very livid. Don't blame me if I commit murder today."

"Now, we do not need to go to such extremes." Raim quickly raised his hands defensively. "Yeah, you have that Restriction Zero thing and all, but really, it is not necessary."

"Wha! How did?-"

"-Details, details. Blah blah blah, who cares?" Raim murmured.

"Whatever the case...what the hell are you doing here? And just who are youǃ?"

Raim responded, "First of all, you already know who am I. Why ask again? Secondly, let's just say I'm having as much fun as I can. Cameo appearance or not, I'll have as much fun as I have here . . . and I'm running out of time."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Oh, I haven't seen you before. Are you a friend of the professor? ...Although if her reaction is to be taken in account, you seem to be annoying her."

"Well, I'm not her friend, per se. I'm just a...person that usually send her mails to answer, Ratatosk."

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, sorry. Excessive information. Kinda messes my head a bit. Don't worry, forget what I said. Now, do you have any apples around here? I love apples."

"Like Ryuk?" Makoto was...versed in pop culture.

"Nah, not like that." Raim answered. "I don't eat them as if they are drugs. Can't you see how weird I would look if I did that?"

Nobody answered.

"Nevermind." He tried changing the subject. "Also, for the love of a good god, wear something decent under that cloak, will you?" Raim said while pointing at Makoto. "Although this would be pointless since this is not the canon you, meaning that the other Makoto won't do so . . . God, that's depressing."

"...Okay, professor, is this some kind of joke?" Makoto questioned Kokonoe, thinking that she had gone crazy due to nut consumption.

The professor answered, "Trust me. I wish this was indeed one. But oh no, this is no joke."

Raim said, "Aight, I know what I'm going to do know. Doing this random gag routine won't make anyone happy, by the reactions I'm seeing. So, I'm going to answer your question, cat."

" . . . What."

"I'm talking about the Demon Summoning Program. What the hell? You just spoke about it minutes ago."

Kokonoe facepalmed as she remembered, "Oh yes, that. Please explain that already; you've brought it up twice now."

"Good. Now...what title should I choose?"

"What?"

What?

Wait...you're not...hijacking the show, are youǃ? What the hell?

"Oh! I got it! *ahem*"

Oh god...

- AMUSE US, RAIM-SAN! -

That's it. I need a freaking drink.

"You...you bastard!" Kokonoe was indeed furious that someone else stole her show. I mean, she could expect Terumi to pull this off, but not some random idiot!

"Good morning, evening, whatever, ladies and gentleman...well, perhaps prepubescents too. Or kids. Argh, who the hell caresǃ? Probably you don't know who am I nor why am I here stealing her show. That's the normal reaction. And I really appreciate it."

"Tager! Do something!"

"Roger."

Tager's body slowly drew towards Raim, who was still talking to the air.

"...But leaving that behind, let's just move forward and answer our previous host's question, shall we? What is the Demon Summoning Program?"

Tager was about to grab him when Raim did a back-flip and landed on top of Tager's head, much for Kokonoe's dismay.

"Hey!" Tager complained of his current situation.

"Explaining the DSP is like talking about as something as simple as a normal OS with connectivity with the Internet. Basically, the gist is this. The DSP is a software developed by a certain person, some accounts says his name was Steven or something, which functions include: Summoning of the contracted demon, talking with demons themselves, the creation of a library holding the records of every single demon encountered, storage of them and connection to the Internet...well, the last function was added in the 4.34 build, so you can easily ignore that."

Makoto, eyes wide in wonder, questioned, "...So, it's like a Pokédex?"

"Better than the Pokédex. Can Pokédexes hold Pokémon themselves inside its code, traduce their speech and access the Internet? No? I thought so."

"That's still doesn't answer how the process of summoning works, you ass."

"Good question, Kokonoe." Raim said, as the door suddenly opened again.

"Huh? Where the hell is this?" Ragna, what a surprise! No, really, what are you doing here?

"And Rags will be useful to explain that, you see!"

"What? Who are you? What's going on hereǃ?" Ragna demanded answers, answers he will never get answered.

"Calm down, Rags. Yes, I know it isn't the you I know, but I really know you're a decent guy. Come over here, will ya?"

"Huh? Sure, whatever the hell that helps get out of here. Still, I remember I was on Kagutsuchi before when...gah, I can't remember."

"*sigh* Did you blew it up again?" Kokonoe sighed. "I thought you would avoid that bad ending, you know."

"Again? What are you talking about? Shit, this is confusing!"

Ragna shook his head, but still walked towards Raim, who was awkwardly still standing on top of Tager's head. He raised an eyebrow due to the scene and was about to say something else when Raim grabbed the arm which was the fake Blazblue.

"Hey!"

"I'll just explain something to the cat. No worries. I'm not interested in hunting you nor anything else. Besides, your handiwork is extremely nice. Cleaving people in half is actually quite cathartic.

"...Okaaaay?"

"As I was saying..." Raim said while holding the arm. "Kokonoe, if I asked you what is the primordial thing to summon something, what would be your answer?"

"Hmph! If you want to get technical like that, I'd say you'll need some sort of ritual and whatever shitty circle any summoner would..."

"Good. You have the basic idea. As the Blazblue, which uses programs to replace the causality effect of draining life, the summoning part of the program itself, or , whatever you call it, consist in a series of codes and programs which replace the functions of rituals, items needed for the summon and any other trivialities. Of course, you'll still need magnetite to summon and keep them summoned...well, only in the 1.51 build."

"Magnetite?"

"The energy used. Here you call it seithr. But actually, magnetite is present in every universe I've been...only with different names. Chakra, reiatsu, chi, basic energy, those are all different representations of magnetite, depending of the concentration of itself."

"What? You expect me to believe that you can replace the entire ritual...for a series of codes that uses any form of energyǃ?"

"Exactly. Nowadays, technology is advanced enough to make many things thought previously impossible. We can write with light, hold thousands of pages of information, talk with other people across the world...so why cannot a program that replace the core part of a summoning ritual be plausible for your little mind, huh?"

Kokonoe gritted her teeth. As much as she hated to admit it, the technology made to create Ars Magus followed a similar principle, the replacement of rituals and magic components with algorithms and basic programming now doesn't seem crazy.

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but would you let go before I cut your hand to do so?" Ragna was getting frustrated. Justified since he doesn't like to be touched.

"Oh, sure." Raim complied.

"...I'm beginning to see what you mean. But that doesn't explain how exactly can a device hold demons that, oh, I don't know, HAVE A PHYSICAL SHAPE, YOU MORON!"

"...Have you heard of the Grail Wars?"

"Oh oh! I heard of those!" Makoto raised her hand excitedly.

Raim said, "Ah, good! Explain for us!"

Makoto elaborated, "Well, there was this multimedia franchise way back in the day called Fate. It was about these magicians who would all get together to wage a war against each other for a prize, that prize being none other than the Holy Grail of legend! The magicians would summon these entities from the Grail called Heroic Servants to fight for them. The Grail kept a copy, so to speak (now I see what you mean by comparing this to the program you were talking about), of famous heroes throughout history: King Arthur, Gilgamesh, Alexander the Great, and so on. The magicians would summon one of these heroes, and if they beat the other servants and magicians, they and their servant could use the Grail to wish for whatever they wanted. And yes, your own program seems to work the same way!"

"...You expect me to believe that crap?" Kokonoe bursted out.

"Actually, yes. There are far many disturbing and illogical things in the universe, be it fictional or from the real life. This is one of the most sane. Trust me."

"I don't."

"Well, I tried." Raim cleared his throat. "As I was saying, the DSP follows a same mechanic as the Servants, only that the DSP has a function that turns the contracted demon into raw energy, sans the magnetite, making it easier to storage inside the selected OS. Bear in mind, these are actual beings inside your COMP..."

"COMP?" Makoto asked.

"A sort of portable computer. Inside it, you can upload the DSP for your use. There are variations, like the GUMP and the DEMONICA, but it depends on the user preference. Hell, you can mod a Nintendo DS or a PSP to make it work. Even a Playstation 3...but it requires work...and a console it's not efficient to move around." Raim continued. "Whatever the case, any stored demon consumes a hell of space. According to my sources, a demon of a higher hierarchy eats almost about 2 TB of memory...or even more. In the demon business, we humans are really in the dark."

"What a load of crap!" Kokonoe said. "Trying to transfer her soul into Lambda didn't weight that much."

"Perhaps because her soul was not recovered completely. Actually, the human soul's digital weight is...no, if I told you that, who knows what would you do? Besides, there's still that damn variable of it..."

"Whoa whoa whoa! Human souls? Demons? What are you, some sort of cultist or what?" Ragna asked, quite disturbed by Raim's knowledge.

"Checking current status of target..." Lambda said.

"Nah. But I usually kill them."

There was a cold silence in the room.

"Room temperature has decreased by 1 C°." Thanks, Lambda. We really needed to emphasize that.

"Why exactly?"

"Look, if the wrong people thinker with the DSP, it would be hell on earth after a while. I can't have that. Besides, if they access the server..."

"THERE'S A FREAKING SERVERǃ?" Kokonoe was going crazy.

"Yes. Did I forgot to add that?" Jesus Christ, Raim... "Well, the server is in every world, it just it is inaccessible physically, mentally and virtually. And, yes. Psychics actually tried entering the server like that. They gained an aneurysm and, in some cases, some sort of cancer."

The door opened again. Two figures entered at the same time, one dressed in blue and another in white.

"Where is this?" Tsubaki said, looking around. "Is this a part of the library?"

"Hmph. How bothersome." Jin frowned as they arrived towards the center of the room. "What is this? Answer me!"

"Oh hello, Captain Garlock and Christina."

"Who the hell do you think I am?" Ah, Jin. If you only knew... "My name is not that foolish excuse of a name. Get out of my way."

"Also, just who is Christina?" Tsubaki was mildly offended.

"Fine, fine. Sorry, I forgot you were called Imagine-chan."

"...That's not my name either!"

"Oh, Tsubaki! How are you doing?" Makoto went and greeted her friend.

"Well, I'm okay, I guess. I was just walking around the library with Jin...and then we arrived to this room somehow."

"Oh ho ho! So...did anything interesting happened between the two?"

"Whatǃ? No! M-Makoto! I told you to stop fantasying about that!"

"Hehehe..."

"Odd. This place only exists in the Boundary. You must be pulling my leg." Kokonoe said.

"Either that or there's an anomaly. Well, let's continue with the DSP, alright?"

"I wished you stopped."

"Where's my brother? I know he was here. He definitely went over the NOL headquarters. Answer me!"

Just for your information, Ragna hid inside a cardboard box, near the tube that previously held Lambda.

"Goddammit, why is he hereǃ?" Ragna grumbled, the box being too small for him.

"Ragna isn't here, Simon." Raim sighed.

"Again with the stupid names." Jin was not amused at all. In fact, he drew Yukianesa and aimed at Raim. "Perish!"

A column of ice rose from Tager's feet, freezing him instantly. However, Raim's not stupid and jumped away before the ice reached him.

"Oi, Imagine. Do something about him. I do not own this place, nor I think it is wise to wreck it."

"My name's not Imagine! ...But it's true that this place looks a bit fragile."

"Hey!"

"Jin-nii-sama, could you just...stop? He doesn't seem hostile. A bit annoying, yes, but not hostile."

Jin stood quiet for a second, as the room temperature continued to decrease.

"Tch."

The room returned to normal temperatures, but Tager still remained a popsicle.

"That's the Red Devil, it seems? So...this must be Sector Seven?" Jin deduced.

"Eh, not quite." Raim added. "Now, would you keep quiet a bit? I still need to explain the rest of the functions of the Demon Summoning Program."

"Demon-?" Jin started.

"Summoning Program?" And Tsubaki finished.

"If you want the summary of his bullshit, it means that there's a program that lets normal people to form contracts with demons, works as a translator, summon them as minions, along with easy storage inside the OS in which it is installed. But then, he started bullshitting when he mentioned a server. Yes, a server which contains demons. Don't you know how idiotic that sounds?"

"Might I add that I have seen one first-hand?" Raim added.

"Hah! Yeah, right. And I'm a ninja in another dimension!"

"...Have you ever thought that its subnet mask consists on more than four numbers?"

Kokonoe's expression changed from a laugh to perplexion. Then horror. And finally, shame for herself.

"How...how the...?"

"While she's still recovering, let me explain some of the extra functions of the..."

"I don't care about what you say! I'll ask again, where's Ragnaǃ?" Jin, quite mature of you.

"Geez, now I know why does he stay away from you. Dude needs personal space, you ass."

"So, you're eager to fight, it seems. Very well, guess I have to leave you half-death to tell me where the hell he is!"

"Hey! Don't go wrecking this place!" Kokonoe recovered. "If you do that, who knows if we'll be able to return from the Boundary!"

Everyone stopped. Jin withdrew his sword since, if he was trapped in here, then he won't be able to kill Ragna.

And that's terrible.

"You damn cat..."

"Jin, please, be reasonable." Tsubaki said.

"What she said." Great, Raim. As if we needed you to keep mocking them.

"Can this get any worse?" Kokonoe thought.

The door opened once again.

"Urgh..."

"Ah, great! More visitors. Come on, take a seat." Raim said, quite happy with all the events.

The sound of a "Toh!" filled the room as both Kokonoe and Jin let out a bothered sigh. Following the man were four figures. One was a boy with a top hat followed by a blue automaton, the other was a hooded figure, which height was almost the same as the boy's, and the last one...was a cat.

"The heavens, the earth and everything that is good call for me, BANG SHISHIGAMI! *gasp* What's thisǃ? Why is my sworn enemy Jin Kisaragi in front of me? I remember I fought you back a while ago!"

"Ugh! Luna's head hurt when you shout like that, you stupid ninja!" The hooded figure said.

"L-Luna!" The voice of a boy came from the same body. "I don't think we should say that."

"Shut up, Sena! I'll say what I want!"

"Hey, cat lady!" Tao just ignored the tension and greeted Kokonoe. "Do you have more of that candy?"

"Mr. Bang. What Ms. Platinum is saying is that you should control your tone of voice. Hm? What is it, nee-san?"

The Nox Nyctores Nirvana shuddered while looking both at Raim and the box in which Ragna was hiding.

"I see... There's something dangerous about that man, but why is it wearing a fez? And...the Azure is in here?"

Carl looked at Nirvana, which (or who) somehow made a nod.

"Hmph. Guess you hit your head harder this time, you fool." Jin closed his eyes, as a mockery. "I have not gone to that stupid mockery you call a town."

"The nerve of you!" Bang's fist were white with rage. "How DARE you insult the pride of the citizens of Ronin-gai like thatǃ? Truly, the Library is as hideous as I thought."

"That's not true!" Tsubaki interrupted. "Yes, I'll admit Jin has became a little edgy with the appearance of the Shinigami, but he isn't a bad guy. Please, be reasonable!"

"Tsubaki, you do not need to protect me." Jin said. "I'll make this ninja use his head for once and let me be."

"Jin..."

"Oh please." Raim said, quite annoyed by their confrontation. "I'm just trying to explain what is the Demon Summoning Program to the cat and you barge in like nothing...!"

"You did the same!" Kokonoe protested.

"Details, details."

"You stay out of this!" Jin shouted.

Still inside the box, Ragna tried to find an opening to get out of there.

"Dammit, this is really a pain in the ass..." Ragna tried moving while inside the box. "Steady..."

(CRUNCH!)

Lambda, without warning, sat over the box, crushing it...as if not trying to let Ragna escape.

"Mmph...!" Ragna's voice was muffled.

"Lambda...what the hell are you doing?" Kokonoe asked.

"..." She didn't answer.

"Let her do what she wants. Besides, every other time she's locked in that thing. Also..."

He pointed at both Jin and Bang, who were almost on the brink of fighting each other. Only Carl and Tsubaki stopped them from going overboard. Luna just...yawned and Taokaka just pranced around, playing with some buttons but Kokonoe stopped her before she blew up the place.

"...I think you have to deal with those two. Don't want them wreck this place, right?"

Kokonoe groaned as she slammed her head into a wall in frustration.

And, lo and behold, the door opened again.

"...Torment. So much torment." Kokonoe said.

"Um...where is this?" Noel said, as she entered nervously inside the room. "I thought I entered that chinese restaurant, but..."

"Ah, Kondom-san!" Raim...what kind of nickname is thatǃ?

Naturally, Noel seemed shocked while both Tsubaki and Makoto looked severely offended.

"How dare youǃ?" Both friends protested at once.

"Sorry. Too much of that show ingrained into my head."

Noel calmed down after a while. However, her face was red due to...Raim's interesting nickname he gave to her.

"What is everyone doing here? And why did the door to the restaurant lead to this place?"

Raim paused. That did seem way odd. And everyone came to this place by the same way. Coincidence?

"Did the door shine in any way? Something unusual, perhaps? As if time and space started to deteriorate?" Raim asked.

While he was saying that, behind everyone else, Jin tried to freeze Bang, but he dodged, freezing the cardboard box instead. This made Lambda go into battle mode...and Kokonoe was searching for a cherry-flavored aspirin.

"N-No... I'm sorry, I just can't understand what happened."

"I believe I can shed some light into this affair." a voice came from seemingly nowhere.

The scent of roses filled the room as three people appeared in the room instantly. Rachel, Valkenhayn and, strangely enough, Hakumen, were present.

"I believe there is someone forcing these ridiculous events into fruition. How sad that it is you that are suffering from this."

Bang was blown towards the wall by an ice wall that Jin created. Meanwhile, Carl drew near the frozen box, but Lambda just didn't let anyone near. And yes, she was literally hugging it.

"Hmph. What a foolish spectacle." Hakumen said, annoyed by the fact that his younger self was still immature. And he was more annoyed that he didn't pay attention to Tsubaki's pleas to stop.

"Indeed." Valkenhayn agreed with both her master and Hakumen. "Would you like some tea then, madam Rachel?"

Valkenhayn somehow was holding a tray with tea. Just seconds ago, there wasn't anything on his hand.

"Thank you, Valkenhayn."

"Oh hey, Energizer, Captain Garlock version 2 and...well...err...Valkenhayn."

"I sense darkness within you. What sort of demon are you?" Hakumen said, getting a bit suspicious about Raim's nature.

"Just a friendly human passing by. And by passing by, I mean having fun for myself."

"Ah...you're him. That "Meta-Raim" I've been receiving answers from, am I not mistaken?" Rachel said.

"Could be." He shrugged, feigning ignorance.

"Don't try to play the fool here, because it would do you no good." Rachel stated.

"...I forgot you're quite deadpan." Raim sighed. "Anyways, if you know, why ask again then?"

"You got a point there." Rachel said, her eyes closed, almost as if bored. "I knew it. You are as insane as I expected."

"Ha ha." Raim faked his laugh.

"What are you doing here?" She kept asking.

"Just answering her question." he pointed at Kokonoe, which was trying to defrost Tager. Lambda was still hilariously trying to protect the box as Bang and Jin were still restrained. Carl tried asking Lambda to give him the box, but she forcefully refused.

"Major! Stop it! You're worrying Tsubaki!" Noel said.

"This is stupid! Luna demands that everyone shut up!"

"Hmph! A stupid commotion..." Hakumen crossed his arms. "If that man cannot control his anger, his future is bleak."

Raim almost laughed, considering who he was talking about and who he was.

"Anyways...it is kind of cramped in here." Raim pointed out.

The door opened once again.

"GOD DAMMIT! Why didn't I lock that alreadyǃ?" Kokonoe lamented.

But everyone, except Raim, froze when they saw the person who came in.

"Huh? I thought this was my personal stash of boiled eggs. Not a stupid den of morons! Ugh, the smell of cat...!"

"Terumi...!" Kokonoe hissed.

In that same moment, Ragna broke free from his icy prison just by unleashing the Azure. Guess his hatred was enough.

"Bastard!" Ragna said.

"Ragna the Bloodedge!" Carl and Bang said in unison.

"NII-SAN!" Jin, too obvious.

"Hello, Rawrgna!"

"Shinigami!" Tsubaki shouted, ready for battle.

"Black Beast..." Hakumen drew Ookami.

"Ragna-san!" Noel was shocked to see him.

"Insert name here!" Okay Raim, that was hilarious.

"Hey hey, what about me?" Hazama was very amused of his sudden appearance inside the Boundary. "I never expected this! A shitty reunion in the middle of nowhere! And I was invited?"

Hazama feigned embarrassment. "Really, you didn't have too."

"...Sorry, Tomoya, but neither did we invite you nor we invite the others. Quite interesting if you ask me." Raim said.

"Tomoya? No no no. The name's Hazama...that is, if you can understand basic Japanese."

"Ah ha ha...go die on a fire." It surprises me how can you laugh and insult him at the same time.

"You bastard!" Ragna jumped towards Hazama, but then, the whole area shook, making everyone to stay alert.

"What is going on?" Noel asked, leaning towards the wall, since she was about to lose her balance.

"Apparently, the force that brought us together doesn't want us to kill each other. Hmm..."

Raim opened the door behind Hazama and entered. He emerged on the other side of the room.

"...Nor want us to leave any time soon."

And the ceiling cracked while something feel to the ground. The figure of Litchi Faye-Ling feel to the ground...with a bottle of sake.

Oh dear.

"...! What kind of sorcery is this?" Hakumen was as confused as the rest.

"Mmnn... No, I told you I want the other one..." Litchi mumbled in her dizziness.

"She's reeking of alcohol..." Noel said, trying to wake her up. "H-Hello? Are you okay?"

"Leave her be." Raim said. "When people are in the effects of that damn beverage, they are of no help."

"Hehe...Nii-san! It has been a long time!"

"Jin, I really don't have time for your bullshit." Ragna scowled. Then, he had one of the weirdest ideas he could ever conceive.

"Lambda, kick his ass."

"Affirmative." Lambda said, her swords flickering to life.

(BOOM!)

"Stop wrecking my lab!"

"Oh relax... It's not like they are going to break something important. Oops! My bad. Nothing is important here. It's just a pile of junk. Hahahaha!"

"Grr...!"

"Oh, and also, have you seen my new pet?"

Hazama took out a small jar. Inside of it, there was a black liquid being with a white mask, trying to break out of its prison.

"Quite a feisty one, isn't he?"

"Az...Az... Must...ve...Az...!"

"Nah, he looks like someone who lost its AT-Field." Raim commented. "Still, who did you do it?"

"Well, it started with..."

"Hey you!" Ragna interrupted while referring to Raim. "Do you know what kind of an asshole he isǃ? You should kill him on sight."

"What's the point? Besides, everything here isn't real..."

"Excuse me?" Ragna blinked, since Raim whispered the last part.

"Nothing, nothing." He shook his head to hide...sadness? "Anyways, back on track! How to get rid of this problem, right? Alright, I need you guys to..."

He noticed the chaos in front of him as he ducked the incoming sword. At this rate, no one would cooperate with anyone.

"You monster!" Tsubaki shouted at Lambda. "Don't you dare harm Jin!"

"Nee-san!" Carl shouted as Nirvana protected him from the furry of blades.

"Don't worry, my cute little disciples! I, BANG SHISHIGAMI, will an exit from this fiendish cage!"

"Oh, so now it's a cageǃ?" Kokonoe protested.

Bang started running towards the exit at high speeds. He appeared on the other side of the room and kept going towards the door again...and again...and again...

"Well, this won't go anywhere." Kokonoe said. "Hey, you, do you any idea what the hell is going on?"

"Well, since you don't want to listen more about the DSP, guess I have to help then..." Raim sighed.

"Ragna, Kondom-san. A moment please. And Ragna, please ignore him already." Raim referred to Hazama who was gleefully tormenting Ragna.

"Shit... Whatever. As long as I say away from that asshole..."

"And my name is not...that!" Noel protested.

"Yeah, I know." He cleared his throat. "Aight, I need to guys to do this."

"Oh please. That will never work." Hazama sighed. "Perhaps your tiny little brain finally dried up in this atmosphere of uselessness. I feel sorry for you. Or perhaps not. Come on! Fail already! Can't you see I want to see you squirmǃ?"

"You're my friend too, Hazama." Raim didn't pay him attention.

"...But why the hell am I using this?"

"...Uh...uh..."

Somehow, Raim forced Ragna and Noel into school uniforms...which looked very similar to someone's clothes, but I cannot put my finger on it.

"Alright, Kyon!"

"*sigh*"

...Oh. Oh no. You're not...

"You too, Haruhi!"

"I told you my name is Noel!"

"Just follow the script I wrote..."

Oi, if you do this, then...

"Yare yare...why do you almost do this crazy stuff, Haruhi?" Ragna forced to say the lines from his mouth.

"B-Because that's our role as members of the SOS Brigade!" Noel shouted in order to hide her embarrassment. "I already told you that I don't have any interest on normal humans. Oi, if there are any aliens, time travelers, sliders, or espers here, come join me. That is all."

...Did that just happen?

"R-Raim-san! Why did you told me to do thatǃ?" A flustered Noel protested.

"Quiet."

"Eh?"

"Look up. Everyone."

Some of them didn't, but the ones who did noticed a crack starting to form over the room.

"What is...that?" Noel said.

"A locked space? But why?" Rachel asked, looking at the crack.

"Oh? Well, seems that someone tried to lock you. What are you?" Hazama commented. "By the looks of it, you're not some shitty brat."

"...They tried locking me up here. Heh. Guess they got tired on head-on confrontation."

What are you talking aboutǃ?

"What the hell are you doing? Keep talking!" Raim said to the cosplaying pair.

"Tell me what is going on then, you ass!"

"You want to get out of there, do you not? If you're not blind, then you noticed that ninja running in circles for about three minutes now. There's no exit, Ragna, unless you do as I say. I know you don't like taking orders...but please, do it. Besides, once you're out, you can gut that guy." Raim pointed at Hazama.

"Whatǃ?"

"...So saying these stupid lines is the only way out, huh?" Ragna pondered from a while, as a frozen Jin fell to the ground. "Alright."

"I-I'll help too."

"Good. Kana-san, Captain Garlock version 2. Can you come over here?"

"And what makes you think I'll help you? I can always teleport myself out of here."

"Really? Try it then."

Raim smiled as Rachel tried warping out. Once. Then twice. Thrice.

"This may actually be the best day ever! Finally, the shitty vampire is being useless for once. Oh, what am I saying? She was always useless from the start! Hyahaahahaaha!"

"Quiet, Terumi." Rachel closed her eyes. "Fine. What is your idea to escape from here? I hope you have one that has logic as a base."

"And how did this happen from the beginningǃ?" Kokonoe shouted. "This room is nothing special, apart from being inside the Boundary! It isn't suppose to lock people inside! That would be too troublesome!"

"That why they sabotaged it." Raim grimaced.

"Whoǃ?"

"...Not your business. They're not interested in any of you. They just want to get rid of me...or at least incapacite or lock me away somewhere."

Raim sighed.

"Okay, here are your lines."

"I suppose you do not make me play a fool."

"Keep wishing."

"Archer."

"...What is it, vam-...Rin?"

"Have you already scouted for the remaining...masters?" Rachel's voice showed confusion to the scenario she was playing. Hakumen was having the same problem too.

"...Some of them still remain hidden. Seems they are good at hiding. Or perhaps they noticed the sudden spike of magical energy due to your failed summoning. But at least, we got the consolation prize that I at least am sane."

The crack grew bigger.

"Guess this lock is only appliable in this universe." Raim deduced. "Just as I thought."

"What are you talking about?" Kokonoe said.

"...Ask yourself. Do you think it was weird that I sent you a message telling you that I was behind you?"

"...Well, yeah. You couldn't just appear out of nowhere like that."

"...The truth is...I was here the whole time when I sent that message."

Kokonoe cracked the lolipop she had in her mouth. Hazama feigned clapping.

"Bravo. You confused me."

"Somehow, they managed to sneak up on me and lock me up here. I tried to get out the usual way, but I noticed they took care of that too. I was not sure what kind of lock it was, since I couldn't negate it naturally."

"I knew it. Judging by the content of your messages, I knew you were a lunatic. I dully apologize. You obviously were born with a mental defect."

"I agree with on this one, you shitty vampire. And somehow, that propect scares me."

"So I tried experimenting to see what lock it was." Raim said while looking at the crack, which was getting bigger and bigger. "And after a while, I found the cause...but sadly, I figured out I couldn't break it on my own. So that's where my little message comes to play..."

"You expect to believe that that message wasn't random and was, in fact, a part of your scheme to free yourself?"

"Why yes, Energizer." Raim nodded. "First of all, it gave me an "excuse" to ramble like a madman while wearing a fez." Raim said, throwing the fez away, since the gig was up. "I kept pushing my theory by calling Tager as Yammy. There was little effect, as the crack on that wall proves."  
He pointed out the wall behind the computer panel, which had indeed, some cracks.

"Second of all, it gave me an excuse to talk about the Demon Summoning Program, trying to taunt them. When this did not had the effect I wished, I just continued talking until you asked about how demons could get stored. That's where Makoto became useful."

"Huh, me? How?"

"Simple, my nutty friend. I had you reference the Fate/Stay Night universe just a while ago, didn't I? Well, that was a small trigger. I wanted to test if my theory was correct and you proved it."

"But what?"

"This lock is sensitive about which universe it is locking. When you started talking, neither anyone on the room nor xm..." WHATǃ? "...noticed the small crack above. And yes, that explains why Litchi fell from there too."

"Mmgh...Lotte...is that you?" Litchi was still on the ground.

"But you just making us say lines! What does that cause anyways?" Ragna asked.

"...Let me finish. The more Makoto referenced Fate, the more this...lock started to deteriorate, since it had problems identifying what universe this was. Seriously, this place is too similar to that one. The fact that this room was located on the Boundary put things in my favor. The same is what I'm making you do."

So you're using references as a weapon? That's insane!

(CRACK!)

"It still isn't enough?" Rachel commented.

"Tch. Those bastards think they can hold me until I ran out of time, huh? We'll see about that... Imagine-chan! Sawashiro-san!"

"I told you my name is not Imagine!" Tsubaki shouted.

"And who is Sawashiro-san?" Carl also protested.

"Whatever. Here, read this."

Raim quickly threw two papers at Tsubaki and Carl, much for their confusion.

"Eh? Ah...but why?"

"Just do it...and let go of Jin's frozen body. You're creeping me out."

Tsubaki complied as the room started shaking. Seems the lock is partially sentient...if that's even possible.

"You should have just said that from the start. Also, that isn't what "proffer" means. You're embarrassing yourself. Also, stop calling it Phone Microwave (name subject to change), already... and do I have turn off a cellphone or...?"

Steins Gateǃ?

"Your turn, Mari-, no, Saku-, no dammit, Carl!"

"R-Right...but what role should nee-san have?"

"...I'll give her some role later." Yes, he's definitely lying.

"Okay."

Carl readied himself as the area became more unstable. The ground was cracking too.

"Dabu!"

(CRACK!)

"Another role!"

"PERSONA!"

(CRACK! CRACK!)

"It's working!"

"Well, duh! Continue!"

"Um...is this right to say?" Carl looked at him with doubt and...horror.

"Sure. What, you want to stay in a breaking space without hope of getting out? Really, I didn't know!"

"Alright, I'll do it!" Carl sighed. "DIE THE DEATH! SENTENCE TO DEATH! GREAT EQUALIZER IS THE DEATH!"

(CRAAACK!)

U-Umineko...? How...WHY?

Also, was the complete shattering of the roof, revealing a black, empty, void, part of your plan too, eh, Hanta-san?

"...Oh man. They...they really made this one sturdy..." Raim sweat dropped.

"Great. Now what, kid?" Ragna growled, not pleased by the current situation at all.

"Hahaha! I knew that such a ridiculous plan would fail spectacularly, but your face was just priceless!" Hazama mocked Raim non-stop.

A...void hand lashed out of the hole and grabbed Raim directly. Raim, strangely enough, looked more annoyed than freaked out. Even though the air was being vacuumed through the hole as the hand held him.

"Well, crap. Hey, Ragna, could you read the extra lines on the bottom of the paper, please?"

"Tch. Well, since that thing over there will apparently kill us if I don't, guess I have no choice."

Ragna drew breath. I hope this is good.

"Listen up, everyone!"

Oh god no.

"Let's say you drink too much strawberry milk, and have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night."

Sweet Jesus, no.

(CRACK!)

"But it's cold outside your bed. You don't want to get up, but the urge to urinate is just too strong! You make up your mind to go! You run to the bathroom, stand in front of the toilet, and let loose! You think that all your life has led to this moment! But then you realize! It isn't the bathroom!"

"That's it. There's an author at work." Rachel said, knowing this phenomenon.

And, um...I'm not doing anything. It's Raim that's doing all of this madness.

(CRAACKAAAKKCK!)

"You're still in bed! That feeling of lukewarm wetness spreads like wild fire! But you don't stop! You can't stop! That's what I'm talking about! That's the truth of the strawberry milk! DO YOU GET ITǃ?"

And a deafening crack destroyed the hand, the roof and the room itself as a bright light surrounded the room.

"Mmgh..." Kokonoe opened her eyes. She was somehow on the floor. She looked around. Tager was defrosted for some reason and Makoto and Lambda were recovering too.

However, the most striking difference in the room was that everyone else was gone.

"What the hell? Ugh...was it all some sort of nightmare?"

"Hmm...My head..."

"Current phenomenon cannot be identified. More information is required."

"...Kokonoe. Could you explain to me what just happened? And why do I feel like I was frozen?"

Jugdging by their reactions, Kokonoe noticed that nobody could remember...something. She also didn't get what just happened?

...Also, what just happened? Seriously, I can't...

Remember? Remember what?

"...I don't know, Tager. Perhaps your memory matrix glitched or something? Gah, I can't remember."

"Oh come on." Huh? "Seriously, you don't remember? I thought you, a genius as you say, could remember all of this shit."

There was a young man dressed in red and black resting on a wall near the exit of the lab. Kokonoe flipped out when she noticed him and did the sanest reaction.

"TAGER! INTRUDER ALERT!"

"Whoa whoa whoa!" The young man said. "I'm not here to hurt you, alright?"

"Target's heart rate is normal. Hostile intent on target is nill." Lambda assured.

"Well, whatever." The man sighed. "I was going to say that the others were fine too, but I think your memory was also affected too... Nah, forget about it. It's not like you would thank me."

What is he talking about?

"Is he crazy?" Makoto whispered to Tager.

"I don't know. He looks sane to me."

"Well, guess I'll re-introduce myself. The name's Raim Hanta. Or Meta-Raim, whatever suits you best."

"Wait, the same Raim Hanta that was sending those insane messages? Do you expect me to believe this degree of bullshit?"

"Honestly, no. You're too hot-headed for that. But, the point of me being here was just to say...thanks. You freed my ass."

"What are you talking aboutǃ? Look, okay, you may be crazy, but it is obvious you know something that we don't. So, spill it already!"

"It's not important." Raim closed his eyes. "Really, it isn't. So then...bye."

The young man, Raim, started going out, but he stopped and turned around, as if remembering something. "Oh yeah, that one guy, the one who goes by xm0123?"

Kokonoe said, "The one who apparently made Rachel do Ask Rachel Alucard?"

Raim confirmed, "Yeah, that one. Rumor has it that he's been wheeling and dealing with messengers of magic."

Everyone else in the room raised an eyebrow. They glanced at Makoto, who was equally confused, "Hey, I don't know either."

Kokonoe then looked at Lambda. Her response was, "Does not compute."

Raim said, "If you don't know what those are, then you're lucky. Ignorance is bliss. Regardless, whatever he's cooking up with them can't be good. But then again...it couldn't be bad either if he knows what he's doing."

How does he knowǃ?

Kokonoe asked, "And what? You want us to do something about it?"

Raim said, "If he ends up here, yeah, make sure he doesn't have those things messing up your shit. If not, well, whatever. But then again, he's your manipulator, so...gah, forget it. 'Sides, it is not my problem." He shrugged. "Well, seeya...or maybe not."

He then took out the ignored bokuto and...stabbed part of the wall and pressed downwards. A grey light emanated from the opening and Kokonoe managed to see stairs. Lots of gray stairs were inside of it. He entered inside and started walking upwards as the entrance closed.

Who are you? What are youǃ?

[End of chapter 16. Hope y'all liked it! Oh, and if you're confused about any of it, try asking Heraklinios about it, cuz I'm just as confused as you are.]


	17. Chapter 17

After overhauling the inter-dimensional space-time barrier system, I hope that a repeat of last blog's incident shall not, well, repeat itself, for if it does, I will quit. No, seriously, I will resign this blog if something like that ever happens again. (At least now I know how to digitally summon demons, not that I'd want to.)

Disclaimers aside, things have been kinda slow around here lately. You can just taste the ennui now, that's how bad it's gotten. I even started reading some of those Gundam yaoi fics, just to pass the time. (Luckily, some of them weren't half bad.) As for advice of the day? How about I try incorporating it into one of my answers again? I have two submissions. Let's dive into number one.

"Dear Kokonoe,

Just wanted to let you know, I enjoy reading your segment very much and as such, have been prompted to send in a few questions of my own.

1. Is Tager on steroids? Cause judging by his huge size, I'd say he's had taken a ton of it.

2. Have you, Tager, Arakune (not using real name here.. don't wanna spoil anything..) and Litchi played Mahjong together before? If so, how'd it go?

3. What exactly is your contract with Hakumen? Is letting you order him to do stupid things one of the perks? If so, read question 4. If not, ignore it.

4. Tell him to cut his hair off. Would love to see his reaction.

Thanks for taking time to read this (if you have) and keep those "chapters" coming.

-Kansou Tenrin no Yoroi"

For question one, no he's not. We just live in a universe wherein those who are absurdly strong (like Tager) develop huge muscle mass. You see it all the time in American comic books, and our universe is following the leader in that regard.

Question two, us, mahjong? No way. We've never had time to play any games. So before any of you lustful fans get ideas, no, we did not trick Litchi into playing strip mahjong. Then again, she wouldn't agree to it . . . on second thought, if human!Arakune requested it, she probably would have. Beat yourselves off while I answer the rest of these.

Question three, it included a non-disclosure agreement, which, for those who don't speak Legalese, means I can't tell you about it. And no, I'm not copping out my lying to you; there really is a non-disclosure agreement in my contract with him. So . . . no luck there for you.

Question four, will do! Hey Haku, get in here.

"What?"

Lop off your hair.

"Why? Are you going to use it for some grotesque experiment, Grimalken?"

No, I just wanna see how much you're willing to obey me.

" . . . . . . . I refuse."

Normally, I should me admonishing you for that, just then I realize, fake hair can't grow back, so I understand. I'll let you disobey me, but just this once. By the way, spar with Tager next chance you get. I wanna see him beat your ass down.

"I find that unlikely, but I would gladly challenge him when I can."

Well, that was anti-climatic. Whatever, I got one other submission, let's get this over with:

"Dear Professor Kokonoe,

I read through each blog post to make sure that none of my questions were already answered. Fortunately, that isn't the case.

1. I noticed a few chapters back that poor Hakumen committed seppuku due to you telling him that Ragna was out to save the world, yet Hakumen was out to kill him, thus making him evil, so I consider that seppuku a waste. Now, if my knowledge of BlazBlue canon isn't off, since I haven't played the games due to the stores not having them, I thought Mr. Ragna the Bloodedge was simply destroying NOL bases hunting for Terumi? I don't recall him ever trying to free innocents from the NOL. As a matter of fact, I think that the Librarium gets unfairly depicted. Sure, the organization can be a bunch of dicks, but has any fan seriously thought of what would happen if they weren't there to provide protection or regulation on Ars Magus? Most of the people working there are simply innocent folks earning a paycheck. How come the fact that Terumi and Carl's pappy happen to be in the organization as well mean that the whole Librarium is full of nothing but evil monsters? I find that unfair, and I've yet to meet fans of, say, Ragna, who don't forget about the fact that he can be a prick a lot of the time. With good reason, mind you, given everything that's happened, but the fact remains I haven't found any fans of him or anyone else that fight the supposed "oppression" of the NOL who acknowledge whatever genuine faults they have along with their good aspects. Which brings me to my next question...(sorry if this first one is too long. If need be, you can just ignore it if you want, seeing as how it's rather ranty)

2. You've said that one of the best ways to piss off Terumi is to ignore him, right? Well, what confuses me is the fact that while you do say this, you are prepared to nuke Kagutsuchi to kill him. Isn't that a bit odd in the least to you? Granted, you are from Sector 7, so you oppose the NOL, so I don't expect an unbiased answer, but I'm in the same boat as Hakumen on this. Doesn't the fact that you're willing to go that far mean that you kind of believe that he's worth the loss of millions of innocent lives? And also, isn't it even a bit selfish-seeming to you, to sacrifice those innocents just to claim one kill? Granted, it is Terumi, but that's kind of going overboard, isn't it? Oh, yes, and relating to the first question, I don't know too many people who sympathize with poor Doctor Litchi more than you. After all, you're fighting Terumi, and she's on his side out of desperation, something that you helped in increasing, given you didn't try to help her. It's weird, ma'am. (Oh, yeah, you don't have to answer this, either, since it's also ranty again. But I shouldn't have to tell you what you already know, right?)

Sincerely, Johnny Gaddar

P.S.- I hear that this name is a bit of a popular pimp name in India, I think. Just, er, don't get me confused with those other Johnnies."

Despite that your listed handle is actually LeoBane, I will address both questions at once.

You seem to be under the impression that this blog has continuity, that it's somehow supposed to be telling a fully-realized story. How many times do I have to say it? This blog is not canon. NOTHING that happens here or on Ask Rachel Alucard is in any way something that happens in the real (relatively speaking) Blaz Blue. It's not the truth.

It's not the truth, you misguided fools! This fanfiction isn't the truth! It's a goddamned amusement park! It's a circus, a carnival, a traveling troupe of lolis, anti-heroes, cyborgs, freakshows, manipulators, catgirls, and puppeteers! We're in the boredom-killing business! This is mass hysteria, you maniacs! For Ishiwatari's sake, you readers are the real thing! _We_ are the illusion! So turn off your computers! Turn off your television sets! Turn off your mobiles! Turn them off and leave them off! Turn them off right now, even in the middle of this very sentence that I'm speaking to you! TURN THEM OFFFFFFFFFF!

In short, I think you're taking this a little too seriously, and should lighten up. Logic doesn't work in fanfics that completely ignore canon.

I do however like your rant about Ragna possibly not being totally heroic (which is true). Being heroic implies at least some degree of selflessness, which, judging from your essay, he's not. Okay, okay, he's not entirely bad, but he's not the idealistic crusader some fans make him out to be either. He's a man with a massive chip on his shoulder, and as such, it's easy for him to forget helping out anyone who isn't also out to get Terumi. (sighs) You see kids act like anti-heroes are soooooooo cool. Well kids, Ragna is a better example of what an anti-hero is supposed to be. Of course, he's still cool, but that's only because I'm forgiving. (Hakumen, "Falser words have never been spoken, Grimalken.")

As for your comments on the NOL, it's like any other organization; it has the capacity for good, as well as evil. Personally, I think everyone in the NOL outside of Noel, Makoto when she's serving them, and (arguably) Tsubaki is a fascist bastard, but that's just my own bias speaking out. If the NOL were to disappear, some other group could always regulate Ars Magus. Or actually get rid of the corruption within the NOL and make me like them for once.

But I also like your comment about me and Litchi. I know she isn't a bitch, and I can confirm that since I know her quite well. If she were to save Arakune (and that's a big if), she'd turn right back around and smack that Terumi upside the head like a boss, believe me. And then she'd play strip mahjong with Arakune right afterwards, yeah, that sounds about right.

So today's lesson? Don't take everything at face value. If everyone tells you, "Ragna is awesome, yaaaaaaay!" don't just blindly accept it. Research Ragna on your own, and assess for yourself whether or not he's the hero fans make him out to be. You can do this for just about anything. And now, I'm off.

[Author's Note: Hey everyone. Remember last chapter, when I let Heraklinios write a story into the chapter? Well, it's been updated. Chapter 16 now contains _everything_ he submitted to me. It's no longer edited; it's the full deal. You could read it again . . . if you dare that is.

However, I recently learned that the latest Blaz Blue release will be in February of next year. I'm gonna buy it, and after playing it, I'll have an even better understanding of the BB universe. I'll probably still update this series before then, but there's a possibility that I'll wait until after I've played Continuum Shift+ to update. Maybe, I'm not sure yet. Until then, later!]


	18. Chapter 18

Hi everyone! Makoto's back! Koko's not here right now, said she'd rather wait 'til the newest Blaz Blue game came out before coming back. But since she's on sabbatical, I decided to take over again. Oh, but I would be foolish to just rehash what I did last time, eh heh heh heh! I, uh, also brought some other hosts over.

"Um, Makoto, are you sure no one's gonna read any of this?"

I can't guarantee _no one_ would, but the only people who read this are obsessive and/or compulsive fanatics from a time period when Blaz Blue was still a cult classic. Trust me Noel, I wouldn't let this broadcast in the 2020s, when Blaz Blue (as a franchise) _did_ take over the world. After all, our old leader wouldn't agree to it, either.

"Speaking of leader, Sector Seven is more developed than I imagined."

Ah, Tsubaki! Nice to have you back, too! And now that the gang has been put back together, it's time to launch . . .

TELL US, MAKOTO NANAYA! (also starring Noel Vermillion and Tsubaki Yayoi.)

"Wait just one moment."

What's up, Tsubaki?

"You've violated one of your own rules. You stated that our franchise would achieve international renown in the 2020s, but people from the 2010s wouldn't know this. You've just given away the future!"

Uh, oops, eh heh heh!

"Honestly."

"So, um, even though you were working for Sector Seven, we're still, friends, right?"

Of course! Not everything I did at the NOL was an act! My friendship was as genuine as . . . genuine leather! Not only that, if the NOL weren't so messed up, I probably actually would join it for real! Not just for the benefits, but my ma and pa would be really proud of me entering too!

* * *

"Okay, what the hell is this? Why is my dialogue in quotation marks? Someone's screwing around with the blog, aren't they? Well, they should know better than to try to outhack _me._"

* * *

"What's this program?"

"Oh! That's something Kokonoe uses! It repeats dialog that people would be expected to say. Anyone who's in the database can be used! That does include us."

"Eh? It does? Oh no, it doesn't make me say anything lame, does it?"

"Uh, I don't remember. (I better not tell her about the time Koko used it to hear Noel complain that her ultra-fine ass was on display for the world.) Hey, I just remembered, there was this one thing it thinks Taokaka can say. Watch!"

"(Loading . . . loading . . . loading . . . loading . . . complete.) The path of the righteous Kaka is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil Squigglies. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the Lacking Ladies through the valley of Kagutsuchi, for he is truly Boobie Lady's keeper and the finder of Scruffy Men. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my meat buns. And you will know my name is Tao when I lay my vengeance upon thee. Neow."

"Eh heh heh heh heh! That was really funny!"

"Yes, the Kaka clan do have their charm."

Alright, faggots! Party's over! The queen bitch of the universe is back in black! (not really, just roll with it.)

"Oh. I was wondering why my dialog was in quotations again. I take it you anticipated this?"

Maybe. (notices Noel) Hey, you brought back another Murakumo Unit! Thanks!

"Eh? What? I'm not-I'm not a Murakumo unit!"

Oh. Does she not remember? Heh! Maybe it's for the best.

"Excuse me, Professor Kokonoe, I presume? I am Tsubaki Yayoi-"

-Of the Duodecim? Yeah, I know who you are. I'm glad you're here; I got a present for you!

"Really? But, I thought you were opposed to the NOL? The records state that you're virulently against any authority that isn't Sector Seven."

That does sound like me, but I'll get to your present later. It's part of the response of the day, and it's from the same guy as last time! Hey, my blog, my rules:

"Dear Professor Kokonoe,

Alright, I apologize for my ranty questions before. I have this feeling you might find them personally insulting, so I apologize again.

Now, then, I was wondering, what is your and Miss Rachel's (if she's available, that is. If not, I'd like to know what you think she might think) opinons on rap? Now, I'm pretty sure we know what Miss Rachel thinks, seeing as how she can't appreciate the art and beauty of anything outside whatever time period her cultural upbringing is from, but I am curious. And I have this feeling you might be thinking it's about people all talking about how great they are, without any appreciation for the flow and rhythm of rap, which is essentially sped-up poetry, but I would dearly love to be proven wrong. Especially since the game's soundtrack is a metal-based one."

I know about hip hop. I've also heard it described as the most minimalistic of music: rhythm and lyrics, nothing more. Do I like rap? Sometimes. Do I hate it? Sometimes. It just depends. Of course, Rachel's taste in music is the exact opposite of minimalistic: some Baroque music have multiple lines of music going on at once; you know how hard it is to play that live?

"Wow, Professor Kokonoe! I had no idea you were so well-versed in music! You're so smart!"

Compared to you, yeah.

"Wha? I'm not stupid!"

When it comes to chaining 20 hit combos, no. Okay, I take that back. Now, back to the letter,

"Oh, and is Mr. Hakumen going to be coming back to life, by any chance? Since I would like to ask, did he ever need to learn how to draw that long sword of his or did the sheath have that easy-access slot already built in?"

"Huh? Hakumen is here? Wait, back to life?"

Of course he's back to life. (Heh heh! Heh heh heh heh!) I'll prove it. {activates radio} Hakumen, get your metallic ass in here!

(clank) (clank) (clank) (clank) "What is it now, Gri-Tsubaki."

"Hakumen . . . is that really you? You're still alive?"

"Yes, Tsubaki. I would not perish that easily. It is people like you that I pursue justice for."

(embraces Hakumen) "Oh Hakumen! If only I could feel your warmth! Why would you surround yourself with this shell?"

"It is necessary for the safety for the world, Tsubaki-"

-Hold it, hold it! You're doing this all wrong! Okay, we get it, since nothing's canon here, the time I tricked Haku into committing sepukku obviously didn't stick, but this sappy moment is just way too forced!

"Are you sure? I think, considering what Hakumen is, it feels plausible enough."

Oh Number 12, your naivete astounds even me! Remember my dialog predictor program? Well, I modified the code for these two. Come, take a look.

"Ehǃ? Whatǃ? You're horrible!"

"What's it sayǃ? What's it sayǃ? Oh, Haku, it says that you desperately want to . . . eff her sideways, to which Tsubaki responds with, eh heh! Eh heh heh! That you would let him, but only if you got to go cowgirl style!"

"WHATǃ? WHAAAAAAATǃ?"

"This is no time for adolescent behavior, Grimalken! I'd rather be training." (clank) (clank) (clank) (clank)

Oh, as for his sword? It's all a part of the Susano'o Unit. The sheath is designed to be easily withdrawn like it is, provided you're strong enough to use the Susano'o. Say, I wonder what would happen if Tsubaki found out who Hakumen was in canon?

"Wait, who Hakumen is?"

Conservative estimates would state that you would experience the greatest female orgasm in history, and that it would last for three hours straight.

"Eh, whatǃ? I'm not that kind of person!"

Baby, if you found out, you would . . . wait, is your crush really not sexual? Heh! Even if it isn't, it might develop into a sexual attraction with time, eventually. Heh heh heh!

"This isn't funny, Professor! If this were the NOL academy, you would've been suspended for sexual harassment by this point!"

Indeed! But let's finish the letter first.

"And for Makoto, have you played Batman: Arkham City yet? I beat it in two days, and would loooove to discuss the game with you.

Or not, if you're too busy.

Lots of love, LeoBane

P.S.- I hadn't realized I used one of my other aliases when I wrote my last letter. Sorry about that."

That's okay. We all do that. Anyways, Makoto, you know about this Batman game?

"Yeah, but I was too lazy to play it. I saw a longplay of it. You know what my favorite parts were? Joker's conversations with Batsy over the phone! Remember that? He kept talking like Bruce was his lover, even though he was already with Harley! Oh man, just thinking about it is making me hot!"

"Makoto!"

"Yes, Mister J! I want you to-"

I'm gonna pretend not to hear the rest. I think we've had enough sex talk for one day. Oh yeah, Noel and Tsubaki, another thing I have to do is give advice for anyone who reads this, and I've decided what advice to give. Today's advice? Own up to your mistakes whenever you can. Face it, none of us our perfect; just ask Tsubaki.

"Stop it, already!"

But if you can admit that you made a mistake, and can cover for it, you should for example, way back in part 12-

"-Stop calling me 12! My name is Noel, NOEL!"

I wasn't referring to you, sweetie. I was referring to part 12 of my blog.

"Oh. My mistake."

Hey, thanks for the improvised example! Anyway, in part 12, I made a list of easy ways to piss off the other characters. However, there was an oversight; I left out Carl Clover! Yes, everyone's favorite shota got the shaft back then! Well, to commemorate the release of Continuum Shift Extend, I'm going to tell you the easiest way to piss off Carl, as well as Relius.

Carl: Say, "Daddy's here!"

Relius: Tell him that just because he has all that knowledge still doesn't make him smart enough to realize that obtaining perfection is impossible.

That was easy. Oh yeah, from here on out, spoilers for Continuum Shift Extend are fair game. And that is how an entry for my blog is created. Now scram, all of you!

"Y-Yes, Professor."


	19. Chapter 19

Ladies, lords, beastkin and humans alike, I . . . I'm getting too old for this shit.

Well, that's how I'd phrase it on my bad days, but you know what? I can't think of _anything_ to write. And I do have more important things to do besides rambling about random shit that comes to my mind. That is why this will be the second-to-last edition of Help Us, Professor Kokonoe that you will see. Don't fret, much like the Rabbit, the final entry will be epic, epicer than hers, that's for sure. But after this and the finale, you'll have to find some other way to help yourselves.

But since the end is near, I'm gonna do it one last time; I'm gonna induct another person into . . . The Hall of Shame! Trying to put this segment into the finale would ruin the mood, hence why I'm doing it here, but enough explanation. Today's inductee is This Guy. He does have a name, but we'll call him This Guy. This Guy is a net idol who is famous for being a comedian . . . a self-proclaimed comedian I should say. You see, This Guy is not funny. At all. Despite what his rapid fanbase claims otherwise, he is a failed humorist. Do you know why? Because This Guy belongs to the lowest class of comedian in the world; The Unfunny Asshole Who _Thinks_ He's Funny.

What does this mean? Well, when I say asshole, I don't mean the anus, and I don't mean just some random . . . asshole, if you get my drift. I mean an unpleasant person. Like me. But you see, there's a difference between me and him. I can be an asshole. I know, I do it on a daily basis. But you see, I also know how humor works. This Guy doesn't. He somehow got the idea that being offensive translates to hilarity. Usually, it doesn't. I think it's best to provide examples. Look at Noel, for example. Easy target for people like us. This Guy will say something like this:

"Noel is a stupid worthless bitch. Her voice is annoying and she needs to die."

That's the whole punchline. You're supposed to laugh at that. Meanwhile, someone like . . . nah, I don't wanna inflate my own ego . . . some other bitch out there that you may know once said this about her:

"When I think of cuteness, I think of dolls, children's toys, and robotic duplicates of little girls that can't fight without their Nox Nyctores; in other words, weak, pathetic, ineffectual things that accomplish nothing but drawing superficial adoration from onlookers."

See? This is why, for all the shit I give the Rabbit, I respect her, for she _really_ knows how to insult someone and make it amusing at the same time. In fact, let's look at This Guy again, only this time, let's look beyond the surface:

"(Hey, I know, guys hate moeblobs, right? Maybe I'll say some shit about that Noel bitch, see if that gets me any ad revenue.) Noel is a stupid, worthless bitch. (Insert canned laughter.) Her voice is annoying and she needs to die. (LAUGH, DAMN IT!)"

Fortunately, most Unfunny Assholes are not successful. Either they piss off too many people, or their lack of effective comedy drives away an audience, yet every now and then, there will come an internet celebrity whose entire schtick is doing what I just told you, and they make a living off of it! So for the last ever Hall of Shame, I want you to induct whoever is the first Unfunny Asshole who comes to your mind; that's who belongs. Sure, it'll vary from person to person, but deep down, they all deserve it. Alright, now, the question of the day! A question from before this announcement, oh, how much simpler the world used to be, months prior to the posting of this entry:

"Dear Professor K

1) What would happen if Ragna found out that Hazama is the father of Saya's child?

2) Which vs theme is better childish killer or x-matic?

3) What are the odds that Tsubaki and Litchi will ever rebel against the N.O.L?

Alright that's all, Warrior of The Healing Flame"

Professor K? You must be a fan of Jet Set Radio, I'm guessing. That's not important. Onto my answers!

My first thought concerning this question is, who's the child? I wanna see what monstrosity this union cooked up! As for the question at hand, I'm sure it'll be the usual routine; Ragna freaks out, Hazama cackles like crazy, Ragna yells, "BASTAAAAAAAAAARD!", fights Hazama, Hazama has to back out, more angst from Ragna ensues. Same shit, different day for my world setting.

For question two, no contest; neither of them! I instead say the best new song for Extend is Plastic Night, or Relius' battle theme. You know why? The song itself is elegant. I know, how could metal be elegant? Well, his theme is, and you would do well to score that on MP3. (Wow, my target audience still uses MP3 audio format? Must . . . not . . . lapse into lolfest . . . )

And for your last question, the odds of both rebelling against the Librarium is extremely high. For Litchi, well, like I said, she was my pupil. She wouldn't _dare_ side with the NOL for very long. She knows the repercussions of doing so. As for Tsubaki, also certain, although it would take her longer to figure out what to do. Someone, probably Hakumen, has to give her a speech about how the evildoers don't always look like the villains of your childhood fairytales, and that sometimes, justice must be meted out even against those who purport to do good, and . . . God damn! I'm writing too much like her again! Seeǃ? This is another reason I gotta stop! I don't wanna end up like the Rabbit! Imagine, all my cuss words, gone! Replaced with . . . poetic sounding words in their place! And my bluntly disparaging comments replaced with . . . eloquently disparaging comments! It's enough to drive me crazy!

But yeah. Sooner or later, Litchi and Tsubaki will come to their senses, justice and fairness will return to the world, and I will be without purpose in life. Well, guess I can get started on making my own candy then. See you around for the finale!


	20. Chapter 20

(frustrated sigh)

"What's the matter, Kokonoe?"

Some jackass sent me a letter that's addressed to Rachel. Hello!? Did you not see her big retirement episode!?

"Perhaps the sender is trying to coax Miss Alucard out of retirement? Didn't she say she would come back if she received a strongly worded response?"

Oh yeah, that's right! We should forward this to her, but before that, let's go over the whole thing, just to make sure it's worthy of Little Miss Blondie.

"Dearest Madam Rachel Alucard,

You are a rude, elitist, and condescending individual. In short, a bitch, an unpleasant person, a meanie. My question is, if you have such an unattractive personality, why are you one of my favorite ficitonal characters of all time?

Okay, okay, let's make a comparison. There's a Korean graphic novel (manwha) series out there called Kurokami. The main male protagonist is a Japanese guy named Keita Ibuki. He is rude, selfish, and condescending. In short, an asshole, an unpleasant person, a bully. And yet, unlike with you, I. Absolutely. Fucking. HATE. Keita. You see, he's supposed to be like the 'gruff yet caring' archetype you see in action-driven serials, yet fails miserably. Picture Ichigo Kurosaki, but with _none_ of his positive traits; that's what Keita is. (fortunately, the anime version of Kurokami makes him much more tolerable, but that's irrelevant.) You yourself are a riff of the 'stoic goth vampire', yet you do it better than everyone else! What's your secret?

Oh, and before you speculate, no, the reason I like you more than Keita is not because you're a woman. I'll have you know that blonde women are not my type, (barring rare exceptions), and while you are much more visually striking compared to him, that can't be it either. What is it about your inner nature that makes me acknowledge your flaws, and yet makes me say, 'I love her!' at the same time? (_Not romantically_. I can't form a romantic crush on someone like you.)

Yours lovingly, Vile01."

Dude, this letter is way too good . . . you don't think . . .

"Terumi?"

It's possible, but I'm not sure. It could be a legitimate entry. Nonetheless, I want you to run an errand for me.

* * *

(The scene is Rachel's backdrop. Rachel Alucard, Nago, Gii, and Valkenhayn can be seen outside when Tager teleports in.)

"Goodness gracious, one of Sector Seven's lab toys found its way here. What on Earth could you possibly want?"

"Kokonoe instructed me to pass a message along to you." (holds up papers)

"Gii, bring them to me."

"Okay, Princess!"

"This had better be worthwhile, cyborg, otherwise, I will punish you myself . . . hmpf, yet another syncophantic fan with delusions of interacting with me. Is this all you came here, for?"

"Kokonoe suspects a, what did she say? She suspects a 'troll' authored that, maybe Terumi, maybe not."

"Hmm, that's an interesting proposition. This is better worded than _some_ of the entries I received. But mind you, I am an observer. I can't bother myself to go looking into every strange transmission that goes on."

"You got all of that, Kokonoe?"

"Indeed. Lambda, go to the source of wherever this email came from."

"Affirmative."

The silver-haired android was teleported away. Within a few moments, an audio channel was open. A voice spoke, but it was one no one recognized, "Uh oh, Koko! Another original character just appeared on your blog! Guess you know what that means!"

Kokonoe gritted her teeth, "Ugh! Which one are you working for!? Terumi!? Relius!? Answer me, damn it!"

The mysterious voice said, "None of them, thank God. I serve only myself, but I find it timely that I showed up now. Didn't you show dis-interest in continuing your blog not too long ago?"

Kokonoe creased her eyebrow, "Yeah, I did, but how do I know you're not either Terumi or some new flunkie of his?"

The voice responded, "Rachel can vouch for my word. We have spoken before. You do have a line open to her dimension right now." His tone changed, "Hello, sweetheart. I hope you're still not bitter about me manipulating you into doing that Q&A series, are you?"

Rachel bit her lip, "I would prefer not to be reminded." She then made a sly grin, "Oh yes, that party you invited me over to, I didn't tell you what I thought of it. It was a bore."

The voice snapped, "What!? But it was Gensokyo! And we got to interact with all those other girls that don't exist in my home dimension!"

Rachel continued, "Yes, but you see, I'm not like you. I am not entertained by girls created to be diversions for men such as yourself. Girls with 'cutie-pie' faces are to me what clouds in the sky are for men without wings. In words you can comprehend, out of reach and of no importance, so why bother obsessing over it?"

There was a pause in the radio. Then the intruder (of this realm) said, "Oh, can't go a day without insulting someone, can't you? Well, I can say it must suck for you, not being able to-" There was another pause. The man spoke, "Oh my God, they found me. I don't know how, but they found me. RUN, LAMBDA!"

The signal cut off. Kokonoe barked, "Lambda! Lambda, respond, God damn it! Rachel, I hate to ask a favor, but-"

"-I will deliver Valkenhayn, Red Devil, and myself to #11's last known location. You have my word." The three (plus Rachel's familiars) were teleported away.

* * *

The vampire, the werewolf, and the cyborg found themselves in a strange dimension. "Is this . . . Izayoi?" Rachel pondered.

Just then, Tager shouted, "Lambda!" He rushed to the fallen body of the Murakumo unit.

"Combat system extensively damaged. Unable to engage teleportation ars magus."

Valkenhayn observed, "Shouldn't there be a young man here, as well?"

"Oh, you mean that god damn shitty fanfic writer?"

It was an all-too-familiar voice. "TERUMI!"

But then another figure appeared, one in an opera mask, "I had just disposed of him. I remembered to scan his memories, unfortunately, there was nothing useful in them. All I saw were visions of either young girls making 'adorable' faces, or extensive notes on how scarring of an experience it was watching reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger."

Rachel solemnly stated, "He remained a child with a moe complex until the very end."

Valkenhayn added, "But still, Terumi, _and_ Relius!? You have some nerve showing your faces here, attacking like so!"

Terumi taunted, "Oh what? You still mad over what happened? Come now, dogs don't have memories that good! Why don't you be a good little doggy and SIT!" He shot his snake-chain at Valkenhayn.

Valkenhayn instant-blocked, then charged at the mastermind in wolf form, knives and snake-chain in hand. The two dueled, yet somehow, Terumi gained the upper hand. He had knocked the butler off his feet, "Damn! I can't . . ." he showed signs of strain, "Go on. Madam Rachel, I am truly, sorry." His eyes closed.

"VALKENHAYN!" Rachel screamed. She faced the man, "Yuuki Terumi, I don't care what tricks you have, I don't care if I will die too, know that _this_ is what I wanted more than anything else!" She flew right at Terumi, when,

"Ignis!" A red doll teleported from behind Rachel and knocked her down to the ground.

Terumi brandished his knives and jumped at the vampire. Before he could land, a large fist knocked his body far away, "GAAAAAAAAH!" He cried out, as he slammed against a wall. When he got up, he saw Tager taking a fighting stance, "No fair, devil! I was just about to carve into her!"

Tager said, "Remember, all's fair in love and war!" He then reached for Relius, shouted, "GIGANTIC TAGER!" and subsequently pummeled the puppeteer.

Yet the moment he landed, Terumi performed a high kick that sent Tager flying high into the air by himself. When his body crashed, he whimpered, "Kokonoe."

Terumi chided, "Ugh, what a bunch of pests!"

Relius, somehow looking unscathed, commented, "But they would make for fascinating specimens! We're on a roll, Yuuki!"

In the distance, two figures entered. A man in red and a cat had walked in. The man, obviously startled, asked, "What the hell? What is this place?"

The cat said, "I dunno, meow, but something smells off!"

The man's eyes widened in shock, "Rabbit!? Butler man!? Tager!?"

"A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Welcome back, Rags!"

Ragna immediately brandished his sword, "I should've known; only you could be capable of shit like this."

The cat reacted, "Agggggh! It's Mean Guy!"

Terumi narrowed his eyes, "You still let that vermin travel with you? Nevermind, I can't take alllll the credit for what you see here!"

Relius stepped forward, "What does go through your tormented mind, Ragna the Bloodedge? I'm curious to find out."

"Shove it, puppet freak! I'm had it up to here with our war!" His voice dropped an octave, "I'm ending this here and now." He then shouted, "BLOOD KAIN!" His body had a black outline, and he charged at Terumi.

Terumi got caught in a melee, "Dance, partner! Dance!"

The fight continued, but it left Ragna sapped of strength. His "Blood Kain" ran out, "God, damn it! I can barely move!" He was struck by Terumi's knives, "EEERAAAAAAAGH!" he collapsed.

"Always the same, Rags. Seriously, mix it up next time!"

Not far from Ragna's collapsed form was an enraged Tao. Her teeth were jagged, and her eyes were squinted, "You hurted Nice Guy, reow! Tao will make you pay for what you did, (hiss)!" She took a fighting stance.

Terumi cried, "Ahhhh! Fucking cats, I hate them!"

Relius snapped his fingers, "Ignis, dispose of the beastkin clone!"

The red puppet moved like a seesaw, and connected to Tao, "Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!" Tao lied on the ground, "Tao has owies everywhere. I need, sleep now."

Terumi applauded, "Brilliant performance yet again, Mister Clover!"

Another figure approached the twosome, this one overly muscular, "What a strange aura! What did I stumble across just now?"

Terumi groaned, "Oh God, not _this_ bozo again!"

The man's face became alert, "HALT, EVILDOERS!" The man struck a series of poses, "Swift as a coarsing river! Possessing the force of a great typhoon! Having the strength of a raging fire! And mysterious as the dark side of the moon! Bang Shishigami has come!"

Terumi took his hat off and bowed, "Impressive! You've learned to rip off words from a long forgotten children's film! Pretty soon, you'll be able to master not being a goddamned weirdo, too!"

"I will not be swayed by your poisonous words, you scoundrel of a villain!" Bang formed a fighting stance, "Prepare yourselves!"

Bang attempted to take on Terumi and Relius at once. Their blows struck and struck, with no victor in sight. At one point, Bang put distance between himself and his enemies, then chanted, "Shishigami Ninpo: Hidden Arte-"

"Ignis!" Relius commanded. The red puppet teleported and attacked Bang as he was preparing an attack.

"Guh!" Bang tried to stand up, but was assailed by Terumi. Grimacing, Bang narrated aloud, "With my final breath, I curse the name of Yuuki Terumi." He fell, then enunciated, "Thud."

Relius frowned, "I hate to imagine how spacious his intellect must be."

Terumi smirked, "Well, given how infinite stupidity is,"

Before he could finish his sentence, a morass crept up from the ground. It was what appeared to be a black puddle wearing a mask. It spoke, "A_e, Azu_, Azure, _re, Azure, yo_ have A_e. Devo_, mus_ devour, EH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!"

Terumi threw his arms up, "Oh right, _this_ freak. Try to make this one a little less boring?"

He fought with Arakune. The duel went on and on, yet eventually, Arakune fell, "WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYY!?"

Relius smiled, "A subject this tainted by the Boundary is sure to complement my research!"

Right then, the distinctive _plop plop plop_ of high-heels shoes was heard. A woman appeared, brandishing a pole, "Hazama, I should've told you sooner, I never planned to stay with you permanently. This was only for Carmine's sake, but, I guess he couldn't be saved after all."

Terumi snarked, "Some partner you turned out to be, Litchi. The moment your bargaining chip dies, you turn on me! Then again, I'd have to be bugfuck retarded _not_ to see this coming." he glanced at Relius, "I need a break. Deal with this one for me."

"With pleasure!"

A battle broke out between Litchi and Relius. Try as she did, she couldn't keep up with his attacks and maneuvers. She was overpowered eventually. She crumpled to the ground, "Geh! Kokonoe, why?"

Terumi yawned, "This is getting boring. How many more of them are there?"

What looked like a short girl with long, thick blonde pigtails appeared, "Oh look, it's these dorkmunches again! You still looking to bad touch us, pervs!?" "Uh, Luna, that's Hazama and Relius Clover! They could hurt us!" "Luna knows that, tardo! But they're still pissing me off! I wanna rip 'em a new asshole!"

Terumi gripped his hat, "Geez laweez, talk about a bad break! I'm almost starting to pity you, Trinity, being trapped in there with those shitty little brats!"

The girl snapped, "Shut up, freak! Or Luna'll make you shut up!" She brandished a wand with a heart on one end.

"Oh, by all means, _do!_" The two clashed. She fell. (Obvious outcome is obvious.)

Platinum, before fainting, said in a much more mature voice, "Yuuki, your betrayal, will doom us all."

"Or free the world of all its lies, but hey! It's just all a matter of perspective, right?"

"Hold it right there!" A new voice cried out.

Terumi's eyes lit up, "Oh! Miss Noel Vermillion! I had grown to miss you! How's life treatin' ya?"

Another voice yelled, "Don't talk to her like that!"

"And the squirrely beastkin is here, too? Oh, this is just too much for my heart to handle!"

Noel approached Terumi and recited, "You are both under arrest, for crimes too many to list! Offer yourselves in, and no one will get hurt!"

"What she said!" Makoto added.

Terumi looked downcast, "Oh, what's this? Trying to end the party already?" Makoto charged him, but evaded her attacks, "Won't you at least let me invite one more person!? Relius, you know what to do!"

"Already on it!" Relius affirmed. He snapped his fingers. Another figure appeared, this one wearing a black uniform.

Noel and Makoto stopped facing Terumi, "Tsubaki?" They proclaimed unanimously.

There was no emotion in Tsubaki's eyes, face, nor voice. She stared at her friends, "Noel, you were the one, who took away all that I hold dear."

Noel looked despondent, "Huh? No, I would never do that to you!"

Tsubaki drew her blade, "I have but one option available to me."

"Snap out of it, Tsubaki!" Makoto demanded.

Tsubaki ignored those words, and attacked the two. A one-on-two fight broke out between the former students. Makoto complained, "I really don't wanna do this, so when we're done here, you owe us Chinese takeout!"

On the sidelines, Terumi commented, "I love being the puppetmaster. I now see why you would take that title literally!"

"GYAAAAAH!" Noel cried. Her body was limp from the pain of the battle.

"HYAAAAAAAH!" Makoto yelled, as she rendered Tsubaki unconscious.

A slow clap echoed, "Bravo, Miss Nanaya! You actually are willing to hurt your pwecious human fwiend to save yourself!"

"Oh, right. _You guys_ are still alive." Makoto stated. She was covered in bruises and blood, yet still standing. She raised her fists, "Guess this ain't over till the fat lady sings!"

"In _your_ state!? HA! I'll just get this over with before I get bored."

She charged at Terumi. The man evaded or parried every one of Makoto's blow, then knocked her down with a flurry of his own attacks, "YEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

Relius said, "Tsubaki wasn't as useful as I hoped. Puppets are much more reliable, wouldn't you agree?"

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH TSUBAKI!?" A man cried out. A man in a blue uniform, "Good God, why is everyone lying around half dead? Tsubaki!" He knelt down to her form and felt her face, "Your pulse is weak. We'll have to get you to an infirmary."

"Oh, this is gooooood!" Terumi interrupted, "Mister, 'I don't give a rat's ass about anyone, but when _Tsubaki's_ involve, I _have _to be a true knight!' What delicious contradiction of the self!"

Jin stood up, his hand on Yukianesa's hilt, "Is this your idea of a joke? Because I'm not laughing. You ought to study comedy before you go about spouting such lame attempts at jokes."

"Indeed, Terumi." A distorted voice added, "Your farce has gone on long enough." The figure was in a full white suit of armor.

"Oh dearest me! Have I struck a nerve with the two of you? Looking back, I suppose I have, not that I give a shit either way."

Hakumen instructed, "Leave Terumi to me. Deal with the traitorous member of Sector Seven first."

Jin took up his sword, "Fine, but leave some for me when I'm done." he faced Relius, "You, puppetmaster, anyone in league with Terumi is as good as dead!"

Relius grinned, "I'd like to test that theory of yours!"

As that was happening, Hakumen traded blows with Terumi, "You're still slower than molasses!" Terumi taunted. He knocked down the swordsman right then, "A shame. If you were still like in the old days, you might've actually stood a chance! Life's a bitch, is it not?"

"D-Damn you!"

Elsewhere in the empty space, Relius and Jin were dueling. At one point, Jin managed to freeze Relius in place. "DIE!" He shouted, his sword raised, ready to come down.

Yukianesa did not strike Relius right then, for Jin's form was knocked down by a teleporting Ignis. "AAAAAGH!"

Jin and Hakumen had been rendered unconscious, like everyone else. Terumi noted, "That's just about everyone, isn't it?"

Relius replied, "All but family, yes."

As he said that, a boy dressed like a gentleman approached Relius. He was accompanied by a tall doll-like construct. His eyes were narrow, and his face was serious despite his age, "Father, I see you're up to your old tricks again."

Relius observed, "Oh Carl, if you could only understand my plan, my vision!"

Carl said, "I know what you're planning, Father. You want to seek perfection, godhood, some abstract concept that cannot be physically grasped."

Relius chuckled, "You may be a genius, but you're still a boy; still so naive, still so simple."

Carl rose his voice, "If anyone's naive, it's you!"

"Ha ha ha ha! You certainly have gotten good with words, I must say!" He raised his head slightly, "That fire in your eyes, you have murderous intent, no? Are you really willing to kill your own father?"

Carl responded, "I made up my mind; I don't care if you are, if Sis and Mother are to be avenged, you must be put down!"

The puppeteers danced with their puppets, exchanging blows. The battle raged on and on, until finally Carl crumbled, "Egh! Sis." He cried wistfully, before falling down.

Relius looked down, "As I said, still so naive."

Terumi said, "That should be all of them, provided no other muscle men, beastkin, or any crossdressers suddenly show up."

All across the ground, numerous fighters had been beaten down. Some were still conscious, though unable to stand. Ragna and Rachel were next to each other. Rachel leaned over to Ragna and whispered, "Ragna, it would appear that we are in a most precarious situation."

"No shit, Rabbit."

Rachel's voice was still low, "We still have a trump card up our sleeves. It will require all of us to act at once."

Ragna muttered, "Trump card? At this point?"

"Precisely. All of us still conscious must do the following."

Ragna heard something. He questioned, "Will that really work?"

"It is our only hope now."

Ragna shrugged, "Uh, okay."

He spread the word to the other downed warriors, amid cries of, "That's stupid!" "Seriously?" "I see."

Rachel spoke up as best she could, "Everyone, on the count of three, I want you to speak in unison. One-"

"-Is unison something I can eat?"

"Two-"

"-Ke_ you_ hands a_y from L_hi you m_thbrea_g imbe_e!"

"Three."

"HELP US, PROFESSOR KOKONOE!"

* * *

"My sense of shonen cliches is tingling! I must now go to where I am needed!"

* * *

Relius surveyed the carnage that lay before him, "Such specimens! This will accelerate my work at an unprecedented rate!"

"A shame about the blood everywhere, though."

Just then, Kokonoe shouted, "GUESS AGAIN, SUCKERS!"

Far away, Kokonoe approached, but she wasn't on foot. She was piloting what looked like a mechanized armored suit, one that had to be about six meters tall, and weighing a few tons. HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!

Terumi laughed, "AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! THE DAUGHTER OF JUBEI AND NINE HERSELF! FINALLY COME TO CARRY OUT VENGEANCE PERSONALLY!"

Kokonoe sneered, "I remember back in Valkenhayn's story mode, he told me the only reason I haven't been made playable yet is because of balance issues. I'm to be saved to rescue the franchise, should the need arise, but right now though, I'm gonna do what my daddy should've done a long time ago."

"What? Rip off the ending of Aliens?"

"No; make it so your hearts stop beating!" She charged at the duo, but her path was blocked off by Ignis. Her mechanical arm and the arms of the arm were in a deadlock, "This doesn't involve you, sweetheart. Carl would prefer not to see you completely destroyed, so back down, would you kindly?"

Kokonoe's ride armor directed a knee joint at Ignis, which knocked it down. She flew at Relius, who summoned clockwork arms. Kokonoe jumped out of the rider armor just as it was crushed, and pounced the puppeteer. She repeatedly punched Relius on the ground, then kicked off his body, spin-jumping through the air, finally landing on her feet. "Absurd!" Relius spoke, as he noticed his opera mask was cracked.

Kokonoe glared at Terumi, "Wanna give up now, while yer still alive?"

"A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! AND STOP WHILE THE CARNAGE IS JUST GETTING GOOD!? HELL NO!" Terumi took off his hat, revealing his spiky lime hair, "LET'S DO THIS!"

The two went at it, striking back and forth. Kokonoe was using Ars Magus, while Terumi was using his weapons. They were evenly matched. The battle raged on for some time. At one point, Kokonoe hopped away. She began charging up a ball of energy in front of her. Terumi taunted, "What's the matter? Too scared to keep fighting up close?"

Kokonoe replied, "Wrong and wrong." She flung the ball of energy at him. An explosion consumed everything. When all was said and done, nothingness remained.

* * *

The space had become completely white. Kokonoe looked around, trying to find something other than herself that was in the white background. She saw something, a figure approaching her. The figure drew larger and larger. When she could tell what it was, she cringed and look away, "Get out of here. Don't you fucking start with me."

The mystery man said, "I know what yer feelin'. Ya hate me. That's fine; you have ev'ry right to."

"_I said don't start!_"

"Koko, child, I never wanted this fer anyone, leas' of all you. If I could go back, and actually be a father to you, and a husband to yer mother, I would, swear to God. But life haz a way of not allowin' you to live out the perfect life, ya know? I know ya want me gone as quickly as possible, so lemme just say this; if ya do just one thing fer me, it's this; never do something that you'll come ta regret. Can ya promise me that? If you can avoid repeatin' the mistakes of my generation, well, that's probably the happiest thing you could do fer me."

He then groaned like he was picking up something heavy, "I gotta deliver this 'fanficcer' feller back to wherever the Sam Hell he came from. Once I do that, ev'rything will be back to the way it waz; no weirdass blogs, no out-a-character nonsense, no meta head-spinnin', just pummelin' and trash-talkin', the way the world outta be. I'm not sure you'll even remember this conversation. If not, just do what comes nat'ral, okay? See ya at the last battle."

He turned around and walked off.

* * *

Kokonoe was seated with the heads of Sector Seven, to conduct yet another meeting. She dreaded these, not only for how boring they were, but also how pointless they were. On the other hand, she usually didn't have to be that attentive, so during the meeting, she could brainstorm up ideas for dealing with the enemies of the world.

[Author's Note: Well, there you have it, the end of Help Us, Professor Kokonoe. I am now burned out of all ideas for Blaz Blue fanfics, and I mean _completely burned out_. I suppose it makes sense; if you count Ask Rachel Alucard, I've been writing these Blaz Blue fics for almost three years, and I don't have as much enthusiasm as when I started. For those hoping to read more of these, well, you'll have to look elsewhere, because I'm done.

With that said, these two fics were my most popular, and I appreciate the support I've received. It means people actually care about my writing, even if it's frivolous as Hell! XD I wish I had more to say, but I don't, so I'll end this by saying that it was worth it. Every moment of it.]


End file.
